Cacophonous Harmony

Early morning prickles my skin,
Encouraging me to feel it all-
Hope, despair, loneliness, empathy, compassion, selfishness, joy...
They belong here inside my muddy self.
And it is with dawn's new light that I am reminded that it is utter gift to know each of these feelings no matter how they are perceived.

Early morning prickles my skin
Encouraging me to feel it all -
The certainty of spring
The certainty of the resurrection
The certainty of doubt.
I can believe and disbelieve and the mysterious Grace of Jesus holds me.

Early morning prickles my skin
Encouraging me to feel it all -
The wondrous Love which calls me Beloved though marred and starving is my frame;
The delightful Hope which has planted seeds of dreams though I fear the unknown;
The sheer Joy that lights up my face because He knows each of these thoughts in full and holds them together in cacophonous harmony.

Prickling my skin, early morning encourages me to feel everything.
Because everything belongs.

78

Silk shirt, sun-worn skin
Faded tattoos peeking out
Faces have stories.

Silence.

I have felt the Lord holding my hand, helping me pull away my junk - my need to feel important, my desire to control things, my desire to fix things, pride, selfishness, codependence, self-importance, anger, jealousy, even the good things - family, friends, heaps of beautiful blessings. And there, when all of it is stripped away, I am me: my most revealed self,sitting in the presence of my Creator. He looks at me with loving eyes and says, "well done. I have made you this way and you are mine. You fit into my world. You belong. Welcome, daughter. I have made you, you. Glory in that. Sit a while with me - me, your loving father and you, my beautiful unique daughter. You are beautiful when you are real. And here, when your soul is exposed, with your outer beauty and strengths of this world stripped away, you are lovely. This is your essential self, directly connected to the root of who I am, who you are." Ears of my ears awake, eyes of my eyes are opened.I see two souls, whole and vibrant, radiating love for the other. We sit together, across from one another, underneath a massive oak tree that He made. We gaze upon each other, exuberant with joy to be in the other's presence. He smiles, I smile. My heart feels wide open, soaking in the fullness of God. Were it not for the silence, I fear I would not have found him waiting. He asks me to join him in appreciating all he has made, all he has created. No fear sits with us. Only love and all that it encompasses. Be still, my soul and enjoy God. Exodus 14:14 reads, "the Lord will fight for you and you have only to be silent."

I wholly cherish these moments of clarity.

Lost and Found.

I love when I find hidden treasures from the past... June 14, 2010 Count your blessings: "Thank you Lord for freedom. Thank you for penetrating sunlight that eclipses my hardened heart. Today I am grateful for peace- for peacemakers. I'm grateful for fresh coffee, confident women, and the gift of marriage to a man someday. Thank you for music and the way it can speak to our souls, stirring up thought, feeling and action. Thank you for babies and how I feel more intimately connected to Christ when they laugh. I'm grateful for friendship, my sisters and brother, and parents who let me BE me. And thank you for hope. For rooting deep within me the knowledge that you are trustworthy and you are making me new by the healing power of my Jesus."

be.

i quit my job.

i loved my job.

but it seems that i came to this place of identifying too much, who i am with what i do. so when the voice of the Lord spoke, encouraging me to step out, by Grace i had the courage.

so, here i am. just me. i'm living in this space where it often feels like time is not moving at all. like i'm trapped in this vortex...the picture that comes to my mind is a hallway in the middle of the night sky. there are doors all the way down the corridor, and i walk by each one listening, waiting, questioning which one i will open. or maybe one will just swing open for me to make this easier.

the week before my last day, i had a bit of a break-down. i found myself weeping, word vomiting all over a dear friend...questioning everything, down to the core of who i'm made to be, i shared with him my deep fears and dreams. he encouraged me to lean in and experience this fully. whether it be pain, fear, doubt, questions or hope, joy, love, peace; experience it. because living inside the heart of God's Kingdom, following Jesus, includes that scope of emotion. it includes the magnificent and the terrifying. when we are profoundly aware of some of the most central ideas of our being, we are at the heart of identity - at the heart of God. when we live as those who have been resurrected with the living Messiah, our lives are more rich, more full than we could ever imagine. the values and economy of the Kingdom don't make any sense to culture or society... but for some reason, it works! in my head, it makes no sense that since i left my job, i would have more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. my life is exploding with beauty! i still have ABSOLUTELY no idea what tomorrow brings, let alone the ominous 'future'. but a peace has settled over me like a warm, heavy down comforter. it's tangible. i feel like i am being protected and provided for. and it doesn't make any sense...i have no consistent form of income, no grand plan for what my life will hold. this is the scariest, and somehow the bravest thing i have ever been led to do...there are still some days when all i can think is, "(insert your favorite expoitive here because i've probably used them all)...what am i doing Lord?" and cry out in anguish. but most of the time, i sigh contendedly and surrender my heart into the capable hands of my Maker.

this challenge of learning and knowing intimately who i am and being that girl is really hard. often i struggle with comparing where i'm at in life with where so many of my friends are...and then, i am reminded - whether through a flower, a beautiful building, art, good coffee, comfortable sweats, or my dog - that i am who i am for a reason. every detail of my life has been perfectly crafted for me. so i am encouraged to be me. i'm encouraged to be.

broken hallelujah

I've been thinking a lot about love lately...also fear, worry, loneliness, hope, anger, pain, joy...

So often in my life I feel something that seems negative, and turning, I run from it. It is easier and less painful to ignore those thoughts/feelings and pretend like they're not there. So I fill my life with stuff - not always bad stuff, mind you. Lately, I've been working out like a beast, spending time in coffee shops, reading, writing, drawing, volunteering, all perfectly lovely things. But they've been busying my mind and my heart from doing the hard, painful soul-work that I know I need. I'm prolonging the inevitable.

So today, I sat down for a concerted amount of time and willingly entered into the mess. I recently read the book Everything Belongs, by Richard Rohr. He says a lot of remarkable things about turning inward and knowing ourselves well. He also speaks to fear and pain, "In terms of soul-work, we dare not get rid of the pain until we have learned what it has to teach us". He says later, "Growth is accomplished by the release of our current defense postures, by the letting go of fear and our attachment to self-image." With that in mind, I processed through the myriad of feelings I've been avoiding in the past month. Up they bubbled to the surface, ugly and pissed off because I ignored them for so long. It's true that I know it is in this wildly uncomfortable place that I will grow and learn. I'm much more mold-able because I am completely out of control.

But I think I am beginning to see how all of it fits; how everything really does belong. By recognizing and speaking to my fear, I think it has less power over me. I'm not as afraid of it anymore. Each of these feelings somehow fits into the bigger picture...and it's okay that it is a part of my picture because, at the end of the day, Love still wins. It just doesn't look like what I always imagined. Love is messy. Love is reckless. Love is wounded and bleeding on the floor. Love speaks, love listens. Love breathes into brokenness and revives. Love feels my pain alongside me - and it makes it much more rich and full. Love isn't rainbows and unicorns or dancing on clouds in sunshine. It's much more real than that; it encompasses much more breadth. Love is sacrifice and surrender, love is letting go. And as Leonard Cohen's lyric says, "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah". I think I've come to the conclusion that it's both/and. Love sings and frees and dances. But at the same time it mourns and grieves. And from the pit, it gasps out 'hallelujah's.

taste of hunger

for the last several months, i've been spending at least once a week at one of the Salvation Army residences in Houston. it has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life to have spent time with the women and children who live there. their laughter, hugs, tears and stories have changed me. in knowing them, i know Jesus...and in knowing Jesus, i know them.

there is something about hope that is so attractive to me. it awakens something deep inside that threatens the darkness of my soul, the darkness of the world. it beckons me to sit and breathe it in like salty sea air. being with the families at Salvation Army does that...it restores my broken hope. even as so many women leave unannounced, taking their children back into the wilds of the city, somehow there is hope. i think because it's so evident that the Holy Spirit is invigorating the walls of that place.

but it is these kids who make up a greater population in Houston; hungry children. i read this article today that was astounding. it's long, but worth the read. it's a great picture into what hunger looks like in my city...it's things like this that keep me here. keep me tied to this place and to these issues, these people. there are hungry people all over the world, hungrier than these children certainly. but God has placed me here. now. and i mustn't sit idle by and watch these kids steal to eat. so here's the article:

http://www.houstonpress.com/2010-12-23/news/children-of-god/2/

and here's a brilliant organization that CSM partners with to actually put healthy food in these kids' bellies. http://www.kidsmealshouston.org/

some of my dear friends work for Kids Meals. in my heart, they're a little like freedom fighters. they sacrifice for the good of this population...they put into action God's call for us to feed people who are hungry. from James chapter 2, "¹⁴ What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? ¹⁵ Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶ If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

let's be doers of the word. and change the face of hunger in our homes, our neighborhoods and our cities.

peace be with you as the hope of a new year dawns.