i'm currently sitting on this great funky orange couch in our new staff common room...this wonderful little room has been a bit of a labor of love. and there's still some work to do. but the walls have fresh paint, the carpet has been cleaned, the couches febreeze'd. there are books on the book shelf and magazines on the coffee table. all the little details have been nearly ironed out. and i think this space is ready for its new inhabitants. jefferey, katie, jeni, nate, samantha and lauren will live here starting this weekend.
it's so exciting thinking and praying for them...because i've been there. i won't soon forget the adventure my friends and i took down to houston three years ago. it was with anticipation and a little anxiety that we arrived. completely unaware of the ways we would see change happen...the ways we would see Christ happen...the unexplainable beauty that transformed us into Christ followers who are fighting for the Kingdom...the tears that would be shed on behalf of our unseen brothers and sisters of the street...the hope that overwhelmed our hearts at the sight of Jesus in the face of a stranger. so it is with great hope and encouragment that i welcome these new hearts to houston. to adventure and reality, dreams and laughter, tears, sweat and rest. rest on this great funky orange couch.
Friday, May 22, 2009
crisp linens
you know when you take your clean sheets off the clothes line in the summer? they kind of snap when you shake them out...
i feel like that - the snap in the linens. like my expectations are the clean, smooth, bleach white sheets, and the snap is reality.
it seems that this is how most of us live our lives. we live in this dance of expectation and reality, and our arms are flailing about for balance.
example a: in january, when i received the initial phone call from the CSM houston office, asking if i was interested in the job, it was like my world was suddenly clicking into place. and i began dreaming of what life in houston would finally be like. all those months of wishing and hoping to be reunited with houston weren't entirely fruitless. it seemed to me that this would be a defining moment in the timeline of my life. i would move to houston and find self actualization, a husband, a new community, Christ in fresh ways, and i would finally be comfortable and confident and at home with this person that i am.
and then i got here. and while i would never say that it's been bad, it has been significantly more challenging than i ever planned. i've learned that finding community requires a certain amount of boldness and courage that i have never needed before. it takes being intentional, even and especially when no one else is. it means going out of my way to meet someone, shake their hand and take the plunge of introducing myself first...
it's so odd being on the other side of a welcome committee. in college, i was a welcome-er. i greeted people and hoped to make them feel comfortable in our worship space. i hugged and loved on people and was sure of myself. and now....now i'm the nervous girl walking in alone, wondering if there will be a kind person to say hello to me. and if you want to know the truth, it's rather terrifying, this feeling of not even knowing who this nervous girl with sweaty palms and anxious eyes is. i look in the mirror and it looks like me though, so i guess it must be true.
maybe if my pride hadn't got in the way i would've been able to admit it before now, but part of me just couldn't tell anyone because it felt...wrong...and i didn't want people to feel sorry for me. i didn't want anyone worrying about how i was doing or questioning if i heard right when i thought the Lord called me here.
can i just clarify that i don't know that the Lord called me here. i'm not positive. but i think that He is a Good and Sovereign and Beautiful God who is for whatever reason, interested in me, his daughter, and is caring for me. even when i can't see the road ahead, or the path behind that led me to this point. i'm not completely miserable; there are wonderful, exciting, joyous things that are happening all around me. i love my job, and i love the people i work with. i feel safe there and confident that Christ is dwelling all around every ministry opportunity that i've had and will have. He is comforting me in little ways daily. but it is still hard. my heart is still a little vulnerable. but i am hopeful now, while last month i was not so much hopeful as i was discouraged. but today i feel pretty good. it was worth waking up this morning. and i think tomorrow will be too.
however, that doesn't change the sting of reality. or the snap of the sheets...
i feel like that - the snap in the linens. like my expectations are the clean, smooth, bleach white sheets, and the snap is reality.
it seems that this is how most of us live our lives. we live in this dance of expectation and reality, and our arms are flailing about for balance.
example a: in january, when i received the initial phone call from the CSM houston office, asking if i was interested in the job, it was like my world was suddenly clicking into place. and i began dreaming of what life in houston would finally be like. all those months of wishing and hoping to be reunited with houston weren't entirely fruitless. it seemed to me that this would be a defining moment in the timeline of my life. i would move to houston and find self actualization, a husband, a new community, Christ in fresh ways, and i would finally be comfortable and confident and at home with this person that i am.
and then i got here. and while i would never say that it's been bad, it has been significantly more challenging than i ever planned. i've learned that finding community requires a certain amount of boldness and courage that i have never needed before. it takes being intentional, even and especially when no one else is. it means going out of my way to meet someone, shake their hand and take the plunge of introducing myself first...
it's so odd being on the other side of a welcome committee. in college, i was a welcome-er. i greeted people and hoped to make them feel comfortable in our worship space. i hugged and loved on people and was sure of myself. and now....now i'm the nervous girl walking in alone, wondering if there will be a kind person to say hello to me. and if you want to know the truth, it's rather terrifying, this feeling of not even knowing who this nervous girl with sweaty palms and anxious eyes is. i look in the mirror and it looks like me though, so i guess it must be true.
maybe if my pride hadn't got in the way i would've been able to admit it before now, but part of me just couldn't tell anyone because it felt...wrong...and i didn't want people to feel sorry for me. i didn't want anyone worrying about how i was doing or questioning if i heard right when i thought the Lord called me here.
can i just clarify that i don't know that the Lord called me here. i'm not positive. but i think that He is a Good and Sovereign and Beautiful God who is for whatever reason, interested in me, his daughter, and is caring for me. even when i can't see the road ahead, or the path behind that led me to this point. i'm not completely miserable; there are wonderful, exciting, joyous things that are happening all around me. i love my job, and i love the people i work with. i feel safe there and confident that Christ is dwelling all around every ministry opportunity that i've had and will have. He is comforting me in little ways daily. but it is still hard. my heart is still a little vulnerable. but i am hopeful now, while last month i was not so much hopeful as i was discouraged. but today i feel pretty good. it was worth waking up this morning. and i think tomorrow will be too.
however, that doesn't change the sting of reality. or the snap of the sheets...
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