i quit my job.
i loved my job.
but it seems that i came to this place of identifying too much, who i am with what i do. so when the voice of the Lord spoke, encouraging me to step out, by Grace i had the courage.
so, here i am. just me. i'm living in this space where it often feels like time is not moving at all. like i'm trapped in this vortex...the picture that comes to my mind is a hallway in the middle of the night sky. there are doors all the way down the corridor, and i walk by each one listening, waiting, questioning which one i will open. or maybe one will just swing open for me to make this easier.
the week before my last day, i had a bit of a break-down. i found myself weeping, word vomiting all over a dear friend...questioning everything, down to the core of who i'm made to be, i shared with him my deep fears and dreams. he encouraged me to lean in and experience this fully. whether it be pain, fear, doubt, questions or hope, joy, love, peace; experience it. because living inside the heart of God's Kingdom, following Jesus, includes that scope of emotion. it includes the magnificent and the terrifying. when we are profoundly aware of some of the most central ideas of our being, we are at the heart of identity - at the heart of God. when we live as those who have been resurrected with the living Messiah, our lives are more rich, more full than we could ever imagine. the values and economy of the Kingdom don't make any sense to culture or society... but for some reason, it works! in my head, it makes no sense that since i left my job, i would have more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. my life is exploding with beauty! i still have ABSOLUTELY no idea what tomorrow brings, let alone the ominous 'future'. but a peace has settled over me like a warm, heavy down comforter. it's tangible. i feel like i am being protected and provided for. and it doesn't make any sense...i have no consistent form of income, no grand plan for what my life will hold. this is the scariest, and somehow the bravest thing i have ever been led to do...there are still some days when all i can think is, "(insert your favorite expoitive here because i've probably used them all)...what am i doing Lord?" and cry out in anguish. but most of the time, i sigh contendedly and surrender my heart into the capable hands of my Maker.
this challenge of learning and knowing intimately who i am and being that girl is really hard. often i struggle with comparing where i'm at in life with where so many of my friends are...and then, i am reminded - whether through a flower, a beautiful building, art, good coffee, comfortable sweats, or my dog - that i am who i am for a reason. every detail of my life has been perfectly crafted for me. so i am encouraged to be me. i'm encouraged to be.
