.with.hope.

broken hallelujah

2011-04-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about love lately...also fear, worry, loneliness, hope, anger, pain, joy...

So often in my life I feel something that seems negative, and turning, I run from it. It is easier and less painful to ignore those thoughts/feelings and pretend like they're not there. So I fill my life with stuff - not always bad stuff, mind you. Lately, I've been working out like a beast, spending time in coffee shops, reading, writing, drawing, volunteering, all perfectly lovely things. But they've been busying my mind and my heart from doing the hard, painful soul-work that I know I need. I'm prolonging the inevitable.

So today, I sat down for a concerted amount of time and willingly entered into the mess. I recently read the book Everything Belongs, by Richard Rohr. He says a lot of remarkable things about turning inward and knowing ourselves well. He also speaks to fear and pain, "In terms of soul-work, we dare not get rid of the pain until we have learned what it has to teach us". He says later, "Growth is accomplished by the release of our current defense postures, by the letting go of fear and our attachment to self-image." With that in mind, I processed through the myriad of feelings I've been avoiding in the past month. Up they bubbled to the surface, ugly and pissed off because I ignored them for so long. It's true that I know it is in this wildly uncomfortable place that I will grow and learn. I'm much more mold-able because I am completely out of control.

But I think I am beginning to see how all of it fits; how everything really does belong. By recognizing and speaking to my fear, I think it has less power over me. I'm not as afraid of it anymore. Each of these feelings somehow fits into the bigger picture...and it's okay that it is a part of my picture because, at the end of the day, Love still wins. It just doesn't look like what I always imagined. Love is messy. Love is reckless. Love is wounded and bleeding on the floor. Love speaks, love listens. Love breathes into brokenness and revives. Love feels my pain alongside me - and it makes it much more rich and full. Love isn't rainbows and unicorns or dancing on clouds in sunshine. It's much more real than that; it encompasses much more breadth. Love is sacrifice and surrender, love is letting go. And as Leonard Cohen's lyric says, "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah". I think I've come to the conclusion that it's both/and. Love sings and frees and dances. But at the same time it mourns and grieves. And from the pit, it gasps out 'hallelujah's.

taste of hunger

2010-12-29T13:32:00.000-08:00

for the last several months, i've been spending at least once a week at one of the Salvation Army residences in Houston. it has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life to have spent time with the women and children who live there. their laughter, hugs, tears and stories have changed me. in knowing them, i know Jesus...and in knowing Jesus, i know them.

there is something about hope that is so attractive to me. it awakens something deep inside that threatens the darkness of my soul, the darkness of the world. it beckons me to sit and breathe it in like salty sea air. being with the families at Salvation Army does that...it restores my broken hope. even as so many women leave unannounced, taking their children back into the wilds of the city, somehow there is hope. i think because it's so evident that the Holy Spirit is invigorating the walls of that place.

but it is these kids who make up a greater population in Houston; hungry children. i read this article today that was astounding. it's long, but worth the read. it's a great picture into what hunger looks like in my city...it's things like this that keep me here. keep me tied to this place and to these issues, these people. there are hungry people all over the world, hungrier than these children certainly. but God has placed me here. now. and i mustn't sit idle by and watch these kids steal to eat. so here's the article:

http://www.houstonpress.com/2010-12-23/news/children-of-god/2/

and here's a brilliant organization that CSM partners with to actually put healthy food in these kids' bellies. http://www.kidsmealshouston.org/

some of my dear friends work for Kids Meals. in my heart, they're a little like freedom fighters. they sacrifice for the good of this population...they put into action God's call for us to feed people who are hungry. from James chapter 2, "¹⁴ What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? ¹⁵ Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶ If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

let's be doers of the word. and change the face of hunger in our homes, our neighborhoods and our cities.

peace be with you as the hope of a new year dawns.

Dance of the Pigeons

2010-12-28T21:12:00.000-08:00

sometimes i write silly poems....this one happened one day last year when i was watching these humongous pigeons strutting for each other....

Strut your stuff you meaty wonder

I’ll dance away from you

I see you’re trying to take your plunder

But you haven’t got a clue

Life is full of twists and turns

Make me certain you’ll follow

You’re afraid that you’ll get burned?

Well I can barely swallow…

I’ve been down this path before

Broken, wounded and low

So it’s scary, even more

Please, stop strutting, take it slow.

how to build global community

2010-11-09T07:35:00.000-08:00

today i got the most brilliant birthday card ever.

this is what it says,

"how to build global community:

think of no one as 'them'

don't confuse your comfort with your safety

talk to strangers

imagine other cultures through their poetry and novels

listen to music you don't understand

dance to it

act locally

notice the workings of power and privilege in your culture

question consumption

know how your lettuce and coffee are grown: wake up and smell the exploitation

look for fair trade and union labels

help build economies from the bottom up

acquire few needs

learn a second (or third) language

visit people, places, and cultures - not tourist attractions

learn people's history

re-define progress

know physical and political geography

play games from other cultures

watch films with subtitles

know your heritage

honor everyone's holidays

look at the moon and imagine someone else, somewhere else, looking at it too

read the UN's Universal Declaration of Human Rights

understand the global economy in terms of people, land and water

know where your bank banks

never believe you have a right to anyone else's resources

refuse to wear corporate logos: defy corporate domination

question military/corporate connections

don't confuse money with wealth, or time with money

have a pen/email pal

honor indigenous cultures

judge governance by how well it meets all people's needs

be skeptical about what you read

eat adventurously

enjoy vegetables, beans and grains in your diet

choose curiosity over certainty

know where your water comes from and where your wastes go

pledge allegiance to the earth: question nationalism

think South, Central and North - there are many Americans

assume that many others share your dreams

know that no one is silent though many are not heard - work to change this"

today i'm celebrating living. i'm celebrating life outside of my own boundaries. today i'm celebrating that this world is far bigger than i could imagine and that the people on it are more intricate, creative and brilliant that i give them credit for. i'm celebrating the expansiveness of the human mind and how we've all been made with different dreams and ideas, opinions and stories. i'm thankful for a God who weaves us all together and who has called us to love and justice. and i'm celebrating that.

happy birthday to me. :)

authenticity

2010-09-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

For a long time, I've clung to this belief that we are made to live authentic lives - that we're beautiful when we're real. And finally, I've found an author who can put to words my heart. Here's a little Brene Brown quote to start your day off right:

"Authenticity is a daily practice. Choosing authenticity means: cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit; nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we let go of who are supposed to be and embrace who we are. Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving - even when it's hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy and gratitude into our lives."

pretty kick ass huh?

May we each live today, in the freedom of who are are - not who we think we're supposed to be. May we be released from shame and fear and the ties that bind us to uncertainty and insecurity. Today, if your heart compels you, laugh a little too loud, dance in the grocery store, say something funny without over thinking it. Have the courage to tell your story with all of your heart. Be brave and imperfect. Just be you.

please stop hating

2010-09-22T06:13:00.001-07:00

so God's been teaching me heaps lately. mostly about love, grace, mercy and learning. i've been away from home a lot, and it seems that as i've traveled around the country, there's one common theme that has been presented to me: people are really uncomfortable with homosexuality. when i'm home, it rarely ever comes up. my friends and i just live from day to day and love people and seek Jesus (please don't read into this that we're perfect...i struggle with a LOT of other things)...the fact that there are people out there who's sexual orientation is different than mine just doesn't come up. but i've been in places lately where people do talk about it. a lot.

it has burdened my heart tremendously to hear conclusions being made, lines in the sand being drawn and black and white pasted to the issue. brothers and sisters, our God is much bigger than we can imagine, and His hands are strong enough and wide enough - gracious enough to heal this wound. you and i must stop seeing people who are different from ourselves as bad and wrong. we cannot continue to single out entire people groups and cast them away from the Father. whether it's people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender; whether it's people who are homeless, black, white, native american, refugee, undocumented citizen, prostitute, pimp, there is nothing that can separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8 and Colossians 3 have spoken to me about that...also this passage from 1 John chapter 2: ⁹Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. ¹⁰Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. ¹¹But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.

let us not be blinded by the darkness. let us instead walk in the light and love our neighbor. brothers and sisters, let us love people who are different from ourselves, who believe differently too. i've been humbled and challenged to love and learn from people whose convictions are different from my own...to listen and just sit in a posture of learning.

i've been reading "love is an orientation" by andrew marin. if your heart is piqued for the challenge of stepping out of your comfort zone to love and learn and hear voices from the gay community you should check it out. he talks a LOT about the discomfort he's experienced and how he's being transformed by the love of Christ. i'm encouraged that he's seeking the Kingdom in such a fresh way and isn't listening to the voice of the world, but the voice of his King.

sometimes it can be overwhelming to take the first step into an unknown world - no matter what it is. but i encourage us all to pray for boldness and courage to step...small steps first. pray for the Lord to speak to our hearts and to open our eyes to the hurt that we as individuals (and as a church community) place on people. and from a place of humbleness and studenthood - yes i just made up a cool new word - lets begin seeking Jesus and the restoration He will bring. it's so easy for me to be discouraged, "yet this i call to mind and therefore i have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed. for his compassions never fail, they are new every morning." even when i'm blinded by the darkness, the mercy of the Lord does not fail - he is faithful to call me back to the light if only my ears will be open to hear his voice.

laid...

2010-09-20T09:26:00.001-07:00

for the record, i have won spelling bees in my youth and still cannot spell the word laid appropriately. they shouldn't give college degrees to people who don't know that layed isn't a word....but they gave me one!

lets go fly a kite

2010-09-20T07:50:00.001-07:00

this month i have gallivanted all over the place - kansas, arkansas, chicago, nashville, knoxville, canton, and finally alma, georgia. i've seen and delighted in marriage and mourning, deep belly laughter and gentle tears. i have been inspired by great minds and read from about 10 novels. in all of these journey's, the month has been leading up to this week:

my best friend's wedding.

my cousin ashley is my oldest friend - born three months apart in fact. from the time we were young, we wrote letters to each other and spent summers at the shore, thanksgivings at the fish house. when we were 14, we began working for our uncles in the blueberry farming business.

-oh yes, alma is the blueberry capitol of the south. we've seen each other through a lot of beginnings and some endings too. she was there when i had my first kiss, my first job, my first heart break...the first time i said "i love you" to a boy in my sweet 15 year-old way. i pierced my ears with her, layed in a tanning bed for the first time, and cut my hair short. she was present the first time i remember the Holy Spirit really speaking to me...it is well with my soul. we fought with each other and laughed so hard when we made up. we dreamed together, imagined life together. one time, we decided we would live as neighbors on Johnson's Lake Road, with pretty white houses that had wrap around porches, husbands and lots of babies.

over the years she and i have battled each other, but we've also carried one another to the feet of Jesus. and we've grown up a lot.

this week, we're sleeping in her old room...getting ready in her old bathroom. i can't help but feel like the chapter of our childhood is closing. like at the end of this week, we'll actually be women instead of little girls.

i am unbelievably proud of the woman she's become. as we layed in bed last night, i told her how it's been beautiful to see how Christ is redeeming her story. he is transforming her, renewing her mind. and now he's given her a man to journey with too. she told me last night that God says marriage is good, and has given it as a gift not made for us to enjoy like a birthday present, but to enjoy because it simply glorifies the Lord. by loving her new husband and being covenanted to him, God will be exalted. that makes me hopeful for them.

when i set out to write this post, i actually had intentions of debriefing this new book i'm reading, because i didn't want to be an emotional disaster by thinking about this closing of a chapter. but that's what it is. you know what though? it's the beginning of a chapter too.

love.

2010-08-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about grace and love lately; wondering how better to tear down walls and build bridges with our partners, groups and people of Houston. Stephen Sciolino says, “Love in its purest form is the most powerful weapon we have against hatred, indifference, prejudice, misunderstanding and divisiveness. The more we genuinely love, the more we understand that this commandment is life altering for everyone involved. Just as water rushing against hardened stone eventually erodes the stone, so love in action breaks down all barriers between people. It’s a commandment which works miracles And brings the Kingdom of God closer to reality.”

Beautiful isn’t it? This summer I have seen pure love in action. I got the opportunity to sit and eat lunch at this great little Cajun place with a middle school group this summer. In talking with one of the boys on the trip, I asked him how God had surprised him during the week. He responded by saying, “Well, I was surprised to find out that homeless people are just like me. And so are the kids that we’ve been working with. They’re all just kids and we all need love. So I’ve tried to love them while they’ve been loving me.” All this from a brilliant 13-year-old from Tomball, Tx. He’s right and so is Sciolino. The love of Christ is rich and free, says an old hymn, and I have seen that love displayed in the smallest of actions that made the biggest impact. Painting with college students, playing speed scrabble with my hosts, and in Paul being a great listener. I have seen love transcend boundaries in my new neighbor giving us some homemade pear preserves. Love bound up the brokenhearted when one of our groups offered up a simple, but genuine note of thanks to one of our partners who was tired and burned out.

In the light of Love, we are carried to the feet of Jesus and filled to overflow. I think each day I learn more about love, grace and sacrifice than ever before. As many of you know, I recently began a new adventure living in community in an economically depressed neighborhood in Houston called Third Ward. Community living has already opened my eyes to seeking grace and humility and I’m constantly figuring out what this pure love looks like. It's a daily process, and it is with both joy and struggle that I surrender. I'm learning that commitment takes a lot more commitment than I thought. But something else I've learned in my journey to community is that I am capable of walking through hard things. They're hard, but the beauty that blossoms out of them is worth it.

That's all for now.

reflection

2010-08-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

This morning I sit from my new in-home office. My house mates and I moved into our new home two weeks ago, and we are down to two unpacked boxes! We rejoice in the little things. Paul and I have sent our summer staff back to their respective homes, jobs and schools, and are in the sweet slower rhythm of late August. This summer has brought significant challenge for me as a leader, as a sister and daughter and also just as a child of Jesus. But throughout, I tried to journal through some of those experiences, and that is what I bring you today. Just some thoughts from my summer and a little bit of what Christ has shown me lately….

June 14 - Yesterday was my first day off in two weeks. We’ve been training our new summer staff – Israel, Cameron, Courtney, Crystal and Kelsey – and each day has been full, preparing the staff and completing summer scheduling. But yesterday, I basked in the glory of a day with no cell phone, no computer and little communication with anyone but Christ.

I began the day by opening up the book Ruthless Trust written by Brennan Manning. Normally, I must confess, I don’t anticipate reading such books for long periods of time. Mostly because it’s a lot to process at once. But there I sat, in the morning sunshine, reading truth after truth after truth about who I am, and how trustworthy is the One who made me. As the sun shone through the wavy glass window above my head, all I could think of was the face of Christ beaming; smiling graciously at His daughter, filling me up.

In reading yesterday, I was reminded of the importance of gratitude, and seeing Grace in all the little things that carry us from day to day. So I’d like to count for you, some of the blessings poured out over CSM Houston and I over the past few months. As you read, offer Praise to our King for these ordinary and remarkable wonders.

Today I am thankful for the sun. I love the way it seeps into the pours on my face and lightens the day. I’m thankful for Paul and his leadership, encouragement and grace. He constantly reminds the staff and I that all of the glory for what happens in the city goes to Christ. I’m thankful for Lord of the Streets Episcopal Church and how welcoming they have been to our groups. The men and women who attend there are the salt of the earth and many don’t even know it. Gratitude fills my heart for my brothers and sisters who are rallying together to seek Justice for those held in oppression and manipulation in our city. I am thankful for youth who are unafraid; they remind me of how to be bold and courageous. I’m grateful for summer rain, falling on the earth restoring dry places. I feel so pursued by the Lord when it rains…I am so thankful for the faithfulness of groups who we have partnered with for years – it is beautiful how they see that no matter how many times they come back, their experience is different and made anew because Jesus is always here, always moving. I am thankful for community and the commitments my sisters and I have made to serve, love and live amongst the poor in Houston. I’m thankful for volleyball at the park, dining with my friends who are homeless and weeping with frustration that they still are when they don’t want to be. Community gardens, children exposed to musical worship, Street Reach and art therapy. Cloudless days, stormy nights, neighbors and fresh salsa, coffee and prayer, walking to church and connecting with our ministry partners. Balance between love and truth. There are countless things that fill my life with richness and texture, and in each of them there lies hope in Christ. Even in the darkest of moments when brokenness is all around, Jesus remains – and He is redeeming, restoring and renewing His creation. Thank God.

spanish moss

2010-07-20T20:25:00.001-07:00

today my dad and i wandered around Hermann Park and strolled beneath rows of live oak trees shrouded in spanish moss. between the trees were tall lamp posts that reminded me of Narnia. truth be told, probably every lamp post reminds me of Narnia.

lately good days are summed up by simple and beautiful interactions. like tonight my dad and i ate some really healthy (albeit really awful) fish and drank a bottle of wine...we talked about when my brother and sisters and i were little, when he was little, and what it was like growing up in the deep south. we laughed. i really like laughing with my dad. i think because along with my mom, he's known me the longest, so laughing is sort of like breathing. natural.

i took him to my new house and showed him around the neighborhood....we met some of the beautiful souls i've had the privilege of working with around there. we churned almond butter and bought him some texas beer to take home to drink with my mom.

yesterday we talked about racial tension in the south and what it was like for him as a child in the 60's. it's really cool to let my mind imagine the scenes and the people...the history that he's lived through. i think that's also why i enjoy my dad...simply because he's older than me, so he's got better stories. man he can tell some good stories. so much of my childhood can be summed up in one word. imagination. my parents did an incredible job of nurturing our imagination and sense of wonder at the world. possibility.

we've eaten really good mexican food and really good jamaican. we've walked and talked and sang a little. he probably doesn't know actually how much it means to me that he took the time to come down here. i know he's got responsibility and weighty things to do at home, but he put it aside for a few hot and miserably humid houston days with me. yea i cherish these days. walking under the moss-covered oak trees, reading by the daylight and watching it rain -with my dad.

breath

2010-07-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

today i am thankful for...

contended sighs of joy from my friend Paul, thankful for slow mornings with his kids playing in the rain....ragamuffin justice seekers...silly Dr. Seuss stamps and deep belly laughs...redemption and the hope of a new day...honest tears. i'm grateful for memories and smiles from long time friends. leadership training, discipleship. pouring in and pouring out. commitment. mornings filled with three cups of coffee and beautiful sisters. authenticity and the beauty that blossoms out of that. paper flowers. encouragement. family. homemade granola. happy dogs. fresh linens...and hands that hold, feet that move. Christ. gardening. children who want to be loved and played with. imagination and a fighting spirit. my mom. my dad. tradition and heritage. trees. bad-ass women who can stand their ground. roommates. best friends. orange markers. freedom. good food. the underdog. duct tape flowers. peace.

i'm reminded daily to be grateful for what i have, for what i don't have...and to trust my King with this life.

atlas

2010-06-29T05:25:00.000-07:00

i'm struck by the brilliance of life...

today i ran as hard as i could...six times in a row. it was hard and fast and i loved it. when i broke my foot a couple years ago, i promised myself i would never take having healthy feet and legs for granted. it's taken a long time, but i'm awake now. livened by the sounds of my own hard breathing, bare feet striding on dark grass, bounding pulse.

saturday we rescued a dog and named him atlas. :) he's some kind of crazy black lab/pitt mix, but he's lazy like a mastiff. he came running with us this morning, and loped around with his big ears flopping and his tongue wagging.

he's loved us really well though, always sidling up and leaning in. and he loves to have his ears scratched. dogs remind me a little bit of how to be affectionate and love well.

we named him atlas after the Greek Titan who carried the heavens on his shoulders. and maybe a little because he's a wanderer. i already know my heart is going to shatter when we find him a family...

also, toast is delicious. butter toast and coffee makes morning more bearable. and atlas's lazy bones next to me. oh dear....

diet coke

2010-06-26T16:59:00.000-07:00

it's the ordinary beauty that makes our lives rich. this morning, i celebrated my friend Katie's fifth birthday at a pajama party. she giggled, colored, made crowns and ate cake. she also introduced me to her friend Ella who's about her age and has leukemia. "she used to have hair, but now she doesn't," Katie innocently told me as she snuggled up next to Ella and i. earlier i'd watched little Ella playing with Katie's cousin Ellie, who is four months old. laughing lightly, Ella watched as Ellie's tiny hands tugged on a squeaky giraffe. simple and ordinary, yet something brilliant happened in my soul as i watched them play together.

Katie's brother Luke is two and a half and full of brave sentences, curiosity and the most incredible imagination. he served two of my interns and i wooden blocks, which in his game were diet cokes, bread and butter and pieces of cake. his generosity and innocent spirit were contagious....

minutes after Katie began opening her presents, her mom told me that one of my interns (her name's Kelsey) lost her best friend and her mother had just called and told her the news. i was struck by the juxtaposition of celebrating life, and learning of untimely death. Katie's dad and i sat on the bed with Kelsey for nearly an hour...Paul's really good with words, especially in the midst of pain, grief and confusion. pastoral care is definitely his forte....i, on the other hand, fumble and stutter and can't think of something kind and comforting to save my life. but my heart broke with her heart as i watched the inner struggle; denial, overcome with grief, pain, confusion. wave after wave of deep emotion flowed through Kelsey.

and then outside the bedroom door, a light giggle from Luke and Katie, "Mom this is sooo fun!" Paul then reminded Kelsey that there is no right or wrong way to process. it is okay to be wherever you're at...tiny moments of joy do not betray.

it's the most beautiful thing that the Lord gifted us with Kelsey this summer...i have no idea what He is up to, but i am confident that these days, these moments of process with her will mold us...mold me.

i hate that it sometimes takes death to remind us how to live.

still i'm struck by the intense discord between celebration of life and battling death...i suppose that's part of this process. we need to sit with that disconnect and let it invade, be filled with questions and answers and present it all honestly to Jesus. and let Him deal with the rest. let Him fill the gaps and draw the lines. we just lean into the tension and wait for peace to lead the way.

funky orange couch

2009-05-22T15:34:00.000-07:00

i'm currently sitting on this great funky orange couch in our new staff common room...this wonderful little room has been a bit of a labor of love. and there's still some work to do. but the walls have fresh paint, the carpet has been cleaned, the couches febreeze'd. there are books on the book shelf and magazines on the coffee table. all the little details have been nearly ironed out. and i think this space is ready for its new inhabitants. jefferey, katie, jeni, nate, samantha and lauren will live here starting this weekend.

it's so exciting thinking and praying for them...because i've been there. i won't soon forget the adventure my friends and i took down to houston three years ago. it was with anticipation and a little anxiety that we arrived. completely unaware of the ways we would see change happen...the ways we would see Christ happen...the unexplainable beauty that transformed us into Christ followers who are fighting for the Kingdom...the tears that would be shed on behalf of our unseen brothers and sisters of the street...the hope that overwhelmed our hearts at the sight of Jesus in the face of a stranger. so it is with great hope and encouragment that i welcome these new hearts to houston. to adventure and reality, dreams and laughter, tears, sweat and rest. rest on this great funky orange couch.

crisp linens

2009-05-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

you know when you take your clean sheets off the clothes line in the summer? they kind of snap when you shake them out...

i feel like that - the snap in the linens. like my expectations are the clean, smooth, bleach white sheets, and the snap is reality.

it seems that this is how most of us live our lives. we live in this dance of expectation and reality, and our arms are flailing about for balance.

example a: in january, when i received the initial phone call from the CSM houston office, asking if i was interested in the job, it was like my world was suddenly clicking into place. and i began dreaming of what life in houston would finally be like. all those months of wishing and hoping to be reunited with houston weren't entirely fruitless. it seemed to me that this would be a defining moment in the timeline of my life. i would move to houston and find self actualization, a husband, a new community, Christ in fresh ways, and i would finally be comfortable and confident and at home with this person that i am.

and then i got here. and while i would never say that it's been bad, it has been significantly more challenging than i ever planned. i've learned that finding community requires a certain amount of boldness and courage that i have never needed before. it takes being intentional, even and especially when no one else is. it means going out of my way to meet someone, shake their hand and take the plunge of introducing myself first...

it's so odd being on the other side of a welcome committee. in college, i was a welcome-er. i greeted people and hoped to make them feel comfortable in our worship space. i hugged and loved on people and was sure of myself. and now....now i'm the nervous girl walking in alone, wondering if there will be a kind person to say hello to me. and if you want to know the truth, it's rather terrifying, this feeling of not even knowing who this nervous girl with sweaty palms and anxious eyes is. i look in the mirror and it looks like me though, so i guess it must be true.

maybe if my pride hadn't got in the way i would've been able to admit it before now, but part of me just couldn't tell anyone because it felt...wrong...and i didn't want people to feel sorry for me. i didn't want anyone worrying about how i was doing or questioning if i heard right when i thought the Lord called me here.

can i just clarify that i don't know that the Lord called me here. i'm not positive. but i think that He is a Good and Sovereign and Beautiful God who is for whatever reason, interested in me, his daughter, and is caring for me. even when i can't see the road ahead, or the path behind that led me to this point. i'm not completely miserable; there are wonderful, exciting, joyous things that are happening all around me. i love my job, and i love the people i work with. i feel safe there and confident that Christ is dwelling all around every ministry opportunity that i've had and will have. He is comforting me in little ways daily. but it is still hard. my heart is still a little vulnerable. but i am hopeful now, while last month i was not so much hopeful as i was discouraged. but today i feel pretty good. it was worth waking up this morning. and i think tomorrow will be too.

however, that doesn't change the sting of reality. or the snap of the sheets...

early morning epiphany

2009-04-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

since i was twelve years old, i've been strangely interested in people...more specifically what lies behind their eyes, their words and ways, you know...what makes them tick as they say. i remember, and probably will not soon forget, one night in 7th grade sitting in our upstairs office counseling a friend over the phone. what she was so upset about has escaped me, but the idea was that i was craving to know what really was going on inside her head. anyway, my dad came upstairs and after i had hung up the phone, we kind of debriefed the situation. we talked about psychology and what it was, and how i was interested in people's minds. he encouraged me in such a way that from that time on, i never had a doubt that that's what i wanted to study in college.

during my college psychology experience, there were some incredible classes...but i soon learned that theorizing was not for me. yes, i was still intrigued and wanted to know more, but my psych classes were not cutting it. so i added some religion classes....nope, still didn't really meet what i was looking for. -not the religion part mind you, i'm still very much into Jesus.

all that is to say, this morning i was reading, Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. and i have to say, he hit the nail on the head. and it was such a large nail head that i should've noticed it long ago. probably the most screamingly obvious piece of my short existence and i couldn't see it. not that Daddy and I were wrong all those years ago...just maybe it was too soon to tell what i was made for. so here's the [kinda long but keep reading] exerpt that prompted my early morning epiphany:

"i figure i was attaching myself to a certain identity because it made me feel smart or, more honestly, it made other people tell me i was smart. this is how i learned my sense of importance. now.....by doing things to get other people to value me, a couple of ideas became obvious, the first being that i was a human wired so other people told me who i was. this was very different from anything i had previously believed, including that you had to believe in yourself and all, and i still believe that is true, but i realized there was this other part of me, and it was a big part of me, that needed something outside myself to tell me who i was. and the thing that had been designed to tell me who i was, was gone. [k just pause for a sec...i think he means missing when he says gone....because we've distorted the God of the Bible] and so the second idea became obvious: i was very concerned with getting other people to say i was good or valuable or important because the thing that was supposed to make me feel this way was gone.
and it wasn't just me. i could see it in the people on television, i could see it in the people in the movies, i could see it in my friends and family, too. it seemed that every human being had this need for something outside himself to tell him who he was, that whatever it was that did this was gone, and this, to me, served as a kind of personality theory. it explained why i wanted to be seen as smart, why religious people wanted to desperately to be right, why Shirley MacLaine wanted to be God, and just about everything else a human did.
later, when i set this truth about myself, and for that matter about the human race, next to what the Bible was saying about who God is, what happend in the Fall, and the sort of message Jesus communicated to humanity, i realized Christian spirituality fit my soul like a key. it was quite beautiful, to be honest with you. this God, and this spirituality, was very different from the self-help version of Christianity. the God of the Bible seemed to be brokenhearted over the separation in our relationship and downright obsessed with mending the tear.
i began to wonder if the actual language of life was not the charts and formulas and stuff we map out on a graph to feel smart or right, but rather the hidden language explaining why every perosn does everything they do, the hidden language we are speaking that is really about negotiating the feeling God used to give us.
i don't mean to sound like a pop-psychologist. i am only pointing to the obvious stuff that is taking place in our souls that nobody wants to talk about. it is this obvious stuff that Scripture seems to waltz in and address matter-of-factly.
and that is the thing about life. you go walking along, thinking people are talking a language and exchanging ideas, but the whole time there is this deeper language people are really talking, and that language has nothing to do with ethics, fasion or politics, but what it really has to do with is feeling important and valuable. what if the economy we are realling dealing in life, what if the language we are really speaking in life, what if we really want in life is relational?
now this changes things quite a bit, because if the gospel of Jesus is just some formula i obey in order to get taken off the naughty list and put on a nice list, then it doesn't meet the deep need of the human condition, it doesn't interact with the great desire of my soul, and it has nothing to do with the hidden (or rather , obvious) language we are all speaking. but if it is more, if it is a story about humanity falling away from the comunity that named it, and an attempt to bring humanity back to that community, and if it is more than a series of ideas, but rather speaks directly into this basic human need we are feeling, then the gospel of Jesus is the most relevant message in the history of mankind."

there you have it. a glimpse into what makes me tick...and you too i would assume.

thirteen

2009-03-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

so just now i was randomly facebook-ing and ran across these pics of loads of Friends Church peeps making over Camp Quaker Haven. all these beautiful faces from memories past. people who i knew in Haviland as a kid; people who knew my parents in Haviland before i was even a kid; people i met once or twice in Mexico but left a lasting impression. all these connected Christ followers joined together for something as simple as making over an old camp...NOT that all that hard work was easy, not at all. i just mean that it's a fairly simple, beautiful idea. that the Body connected to follow through on....there's this one photo that shows everyone in worship....a small sea of Friends all led by a pastor from Mexico and his family. it seems that they made the trek to the bottom of Kansas to lend a hand to their brothers and sisters. people from all over....oh how i love common ground. a basic principle or idea that unites us. a task to spur us on. though i've not actually been to Quaker Haven in nearly 10 years, i carry some fond memories of my youth from there. and it's refreshing to see someone caring about its upkeep. the Lord's been using that place for years and it's so encouraging to think that He still has plans for it, and for the countless people who will drive over the hill to get there.

jeremiah

2009-03-03T17:10:00.000-08:00

so. 1958 miles ago (give or take a hundred or so) i was in sunny Los Angeles...that's right, i drove from L.A. to Kansas to Houston in a matter of days. a lot of friends have asked why i suddenly moved across the country. again. and i'm just going to share some of my personal journal entries to shed a little light on the subject. but i should add that when i journal, it really is a way of communicating to the Lord what's on my heart, and on my mind. and also a way of talking out just what i'm feeling, as if i'm speaking to a particular person sometimes....haha does that make me a little crazy? ; ) ......so here's an entry from January 2007....

"do you ever get these longings? these deep achings of your soul that sound like the groanings of a gigantic ship that's sinking...right now my heart, my body, my mind, all of me is aching for Houston. that's where i want to be right now. if i could dream up any kind of fantastical tale tonight in my sleep, i'd dream i was in Houston. seeing Claude and his wife Jenny. smiling at James and telling him good-morning, looking at the joy on his face because i finally remembered his name : ) chit-chatting with Mr. Williams while i count the number of men eating supper at Harbor Light. holding little Zachary in my arms, telling him i'll be back soon. eating thai food with a bunch of hungry jr. highers, enticing them to drink the tea that tastes like barbeque...praying over the city, knowing that our loving God is listening. looking at the lights of the city from Eleanor Tinsley park....that one building with the crescent moon shape lit up on the west side.

i'm still not over that city. it breaks my heart i can't be there.

maybe i'll take your there; maybe we'll go there someday...soon. man i love that place. the green field in front of the water wall. we'll go there and lay down - looking upside down up at the buildings. and we'll hear the water in the background. and we'll hear kids laughing. and we'll forget for a moment about all the bad stuff going on in the middle. all we'll know is peace. contentment. joy. and you'll make me laugh. i'll breathe deep, soaking it all in. and then i'll tell you to cherish this. joy.

i imagine in heaven there's a green field like that only three hundred times bigger. and at the end, instead of a steel building, it's God. and we're all playing in that field, throwing frisbees, turning cartwheels, dancing, laughing and we get tired. and we tumble to the ground. and we're laying on the ground, looking up at God. we're absolutely in awe. like we were at the building, only this is way bigger than that. and we can talk to him and dazzle at his glory all the time. every day we can laugh and play in that field and look up at our very Big God and know He's it. that this is what we've been waiting for. this is what all those trials on earth were building up to. this is what towers in comparison to the joy we had on earth. and we won't cry for the hurting ones anymore. our hearts won't ache for what they can't have anymore; cuz they are truly content. completely and perfectly and incandescently happy. joy."

so you see, my soul has been longing for this opportunity for years. as i was driving into Houston on Sunday, i was listening to Andrew Petersen's song Canaan Bound...it's kind of about Abraham and Sarah and God leading them into Canaan. ironically enough, it's the same song that came on as i was pulling out of the housing site in L.A....it's kind of been a theme of my life these last few months. God leading me into the places He's prepared for me. and i'm struck again with the question, "why me? why am i getting what i asked for?" ....maybe eventually i'll learn something about the character of God and really find the answer. i probably already know, i just can't believe it. He's too good. that's probably not possible...since He's the inventer of good. the essense of it. anyway, maybe those words explain a little better this new chapter of my life. i really believe that the Lord has been preparing the way for this season for a long time....that He's had exactly this time and place in mind and maybe the Holy Spirit in me was speaking echoes of His own voice, leading me here.....

"call to me and i will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know" jer. 33.3

la vie boehme

2009-02-19T18:34:00.000-08:00

Sunrise at CSM. One of my favorite things about life I think, is that hope wakes up with the morning. Just like the mercy of the Lord.
Lamentations 3:21-29 says, "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust -there may yet be hope..."

on a glorious day in December, my lovely friend Olivia and i saw the Santa Monica Pier.....

......from the Slauson Blue Line Station, sometimes
you can catch a good view of downtown LosAngeles : )

between the bars

2009-02-12T12:59:00.000-08:00

yesterday i sat on our couch just inside the front door, reading Harry Potter all day. thank the Lord for days off : ) but while i was reading, the door was open letting the sunshine in....

from where i sit, i can just see enough sidewalk to catch pieces of people's stories. as they pass by, i wonder about them as i look intently at the details on their faces, in their stride. a man on a road bike rides by, a boom box bungee-corded underneath the seat. he's bouncin along to some funky beat muttering to himself about a stray dog. i only catch a glimpse of his back, but the way he rides is confident and carefree.

then a triad of dogs gimps by. the first, the tip of the V, is so shaggy that dirt and debris have clung to his coat. following him on the left, a small black and brown chihuahua jogs on three legs. behind the leader to the other side is a dark brown something-or-other. he looks happy enough, but probably hungry.

finally someone passes so i can see their face. she looks tired, run down. dark circles under her eyes indicate that maybe the baby she pushes in a stroller kept her up all night. her thick black hair is swept up in a messy pony tail, her bangs touch her thick lashes. i wonder where she's headed...she's carrying a purse and a plastic bag, only there's not a store in that direction for quite a while.

another group of kids passes by, a fortuitous friendship. first a boy who looks to be 15, bright and happy; next a younger one, maybe 12 or 13, a little round, probably both should be in school. the last to come into view is older, probably 25 + but not their parent. his head is shaved completely bald and has a little soul patch under his bottom lip. he walks with a swagger and commands attention from the other two, though unlikely many others. his confidence seems false....but what do i know? they laugh and briefly glance in my direction.

overhead, i catch sight of helicopters circling the area several times....what are they looking for?

then, sirens wailing.

my friend Mo walks by, looking into the neighbors recycling bin for any left overs he can turn in. the day before, he and Jackie came by our place picking up several bags of plastics, cardboard and cans. they both have wandered their way into my heart. simply by being around i guess.

people drive by, trash flutters with the wind. the train whistles and blows. airplanes fade in and out of view. passersby come and go. the sun rises and sets....

my time here is coming to an end and my heart is torn. i don't know how people do this. pick up and move...establish and reestablish. love and love again....now my heart lies with yet another place, another people. home, here, houston...but He's got the whole world in His hands. including little me and my heart. these wanderers who pass by outside the gate are part of Him too. part of His world. and that has to be enough....

when it all comes down

2009-02-03T16:31:00.000-08:00

so lately i've been really convicted that i need to be guarded against losing sight of what i'm really doing here. it's easy to forget the core of why i can even love others, of who i really am. getting swept up in the doing good things is far easier than i like to admit. i'm finding it's not enough to just be a good person and do good things. even tho God has made me passionate about loving people....it's just that i can get so focused on that....that i forget to slow down and just be who He tells me i am. to just revel in the presence of a Holy God.

last night i was reading The Shack by William P. Young...anyway, it's not my favorite, i mean there are definitely some things that i don't particularly like about it, but this section i read last night really struck a chord in my heart. it goes like this, the main character, Mack is having a discussion with God and the He says,
"The real underlying flaw in your life, Mackenzie, is that you do not think that I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives - is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me........trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me." Then Mack says, he doesn't know how to change that, and the Sprit answers,
"....For now I just want you to be with me and discover our relationship is not about performance or you having to please me. I'm not a bully, not some self-centered demanding little deity insisting on my own way. I am good and I desire what is best for you. You cannot find that through guilt or condemnation or coercion, only through a relationship of love. And I do love you."

I think I underlined and commented in the tabs and everything all over that section ; ) I just feel like those are crucial fundamental facts we have to grasp about the nature of God...and it's so easy to stray from that. Even if we're focused on other good and beautiful things. It's hard for it all to really count for me if I'm not sure of who the Lord is and in effect, who I am. Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day : )

As far as what I'm doing....well, we're training the new spring staff here in L.A....I'm kind of being trained along with them a bit. However, if you haven't already heard, I have taken the Associate Director position with CSM-Houston! So I'm moving to H-town March 1st and will start then full time. There are obviously a lot of other details, which I will spare you at the moment. You can definitely be remembering me and CSM Houston in your prayers though. Today we found some temporary housing for me though! So that's really exciting....hopefully I'll be staying for as long as I need to with a family while I transition. Praise the Lord for that! Also though, you can be praying for a decent car for me. I'm working with a ministry right now trying to work something out, but just for all those details to come together : ) Anyway, that's that. I'll update again as soon as I get a chance! Much love : )

feels like home

2009-01-25T21:35:00.000-08:00

sorry it's been so long : )

i have no good excuses....

well, this post is dedicated to the things i love about being home. as many of you know, i have spent the last month and a halfish at home in kansas...my time has been divided between haviland and wichita which has been far more challenging than i dreamed. however, now that my time here has ended, i do feel like most of it was used pretty wisely. though i didn't get the chance to really speak deeply to as many people as i would've liked, i am leaving this place more full than when i came and pray that someone else was as blessed by me.

one of my favorite spiritual exercises is 'counting your blessings'.....it's pretty self explanatory, you just journal (or blog!) and write down everything you consider a blessing. could be people, places, things, feelings, you get the picture. so here goes : )

today, i am thankful for...my family, mom, dad, peyton, kristin and audrey. the time i spent with them the past month has been irreplaceable. i love you each loads more than you know : ) my mom's students....they were a beautiful disaster of a surprise. honestly, i never would've thought i could feel so attached, buuuut....well, i do : ) so, i'm just gonna mention a few names....evan, hannah, tanner m, sage, garrett, clay, kale, chase, jimmy, wayne, jessica, bailey, kim, amanda, heather, spencer, tanner s, doug, peyton, john, clint, alex, josh....well, i can't say everyone's names. but, they really all were great to interact with. it became a glorious routine finding a way into town each day to hang out in the english room with those kids. i'm certainly thankful for their willingness to sit through my soap box speeches : ) it was good for me to remember what high school was like and to be encouraged that there is hope. aaaand high schoolers are so free sometimes and really goofy. and i love that. but what i really hope for is that some of them will get it eventually. what life is about i mean....there's just so much more in this life....there's a reason for getting up in the morning that transcends the stuff of this world. my heart is full of hope for those students that their hearts will be captured.

i was surprised one morning when i woke up in wichita and actually wished i could've been in that little english room with Mom's kids. : ) i never knew that my heart could be so full. so i'm thankful that the Lord allows our hearts to grow to fill more love and affection for our brothers and sisters. i'm thankful for my mentors, Patrick and Carrie. i'm thankful for the faithfulness of the Lord...and in light of that, encouraged by the perseverance of His followers.....i'm thankful for.....new life. second chances. forgiveness and Grace. Agape. learning. mr.v. lillian. sar and gabe. barclay. friends u. timm. christmas. Christ. fresh tomatoes. rachel, vales and liu. paul and megan. the rest of the CSM staff. opportunity. quiet places. logan v. transparency. laughing. sunshine. relationships. hope. serving. acceptance. conviction. music. music. music. hope again. kay and neil. dave and carol....i'm so thankful for them both individually and as a couple, a team. kristen and marie. jane. paint. the best friends in the world. abby, cherie, stephanie and brian, erin and ryan, lauren, grace, audge, anth, katie liz, el, liv....mannnn this list goes on and on. but the point is that i'm so thankful....for so many incredible people and things that the Lord has put in my life. i'm so grateful.....houston. los angeles. wichita. claude and jenny. zachary. phillip. robert. bill. melia. blankets. love. curiosity. growing up.

people, places....life. today my life is so rich.

2008-12-19T18:08:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite musicians, Amos Lee, wrote this awesome song called Freedom....the back story i believe, goes like this: Amos Lee used to be a teacher, and he was having problems with some of his students fighting...so he was wrote the song about tryingto get them to see that basically, when ya break it down, fighting and hurting other people doesn't really make you feel better...and on a personal note, i wanna add that things and statuses and beliefs don't make one person better than the next. or just because you're strong enough to beat someone down doesn't make you better than them...so here's some of the lyrics-

"Don't wanna blame the rich for what they got
Don't point a finger at the poor for what they have not
Though the politician and the priest
Live in the belly of the beast because we fed it

Freedom is seldom found
By beating someone to the ground
Telling them how everything is gonna be now"

i think the man might be on to something.....

shout out loud

2008-12-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

the people walking through the breakfast line at Midnight Mission have so much to be seen in their faces. what's superficial - dirt, glass eyes, mangled mouths, contorted kind smiles, bruises, scars, ugliness...then there's what's underneath - wisdom, fear, beauty, greed, abuse, sacrifice, addiction, confusion, warmth, evidence of grace, embarassment and gratitude. there's a roughness about these people that is difficult to describe without a tangible vision.
still, each of these emotions and attributes looked at individually seem easy enough to deal with. but for most of the people at the mission, one comes with another more twisted and hard to confront. they may each have that hardness about them that can only come from being so morbidly courageous and desperately weak, but they still have a story; one that is complex yet broken down to a simple theme -humanness. their stories bring some people to fear or hate, and others to tears and forward motion. but no matter what the outsiders looking in think, we cannot deny their humanity. setting religous beliefs aside, put away creation vs. evolution, people of the streets -dwelling in tents or sidewalks, under bridges or in shelters or cars....they are still validly human and deserve to be treated as such. just as much as you or i. but even more, for the Church, we ought to be believing that....no, living that.

last year my baby sister was treated with disrespect and unfairly ignored. no matter if she provoked the treatment, as a person she is worth being treated well. [the Beattitudes anyone?] random strangers, our closest friends or enemies....what separates us? more importantly, what makes us the same? what is the binding factor?

Saturday morning at Midnight Mission, it was undeniably obvious the similarities between all the people in the room. we all woke up early, we were all hungry and ready for breakfast, and we all were grateful for a warm place to be out of the rain for a moment...all simple human desires all felt by real people with basic needs.

i wonder sometimes why i care so much. why i am so passionately drawn to people who are lonely and desprate, ignored. i really don't know. but there is something deeply rooted in my being - i can feel it in my gut- that is like a magnet. pulling me to them, driving me to love them without reservations is this need to love...to recklessly abandon my other senses and just love. i'm probably crazy. but i am a lover and a fighter. and i will fight for broken people. for people without a voice, i love you. i believe in a good and perfect God for you. and i believe He is redeeming your story...and sometimes, He uses His people to do it....

sure as i'm sittin here

2008-12-16T17:29:00.000-08:00

dangit....i definitely just wrote a really long rockin post. aaaand then the INTERNET wouldn't work fast enough....blehhhh.

so probably i'm going to go find something to eat here at the good ol' houston airport. and then maybe i'll muster up the writing juices again to rewrite all of that.

dangit it was good too...;) haha.

we.are.family

2008-12-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

ahhhhh thanksgiving.
this special day of the year has long been a favorite of mine. probably because it meant getting away from school and work, just to relax and eat....a lot. :) but this year, it held special significance. because, this year was the first one on my own.....so when i walked down the makeshift road between Aunt Angie's and Gma Margie's to see my little sister Kristin running for me, my cup was flowing over. sure, i've spent months away from home before, but never with independence and adultliness (hahaha i'm well aware that this is not an actual word...but i just don't really know what word to use to describe this weird world of adulthood). so the look on my brother Peyton's face when he saw me climbing through the woods to hug him made the 3 day drive suddenly worth it. when i walked into Aunt Angie's kitchen and my dad turned around, my eyes were filled with tears and my heart filled with gratitude.

there's something really special about going home to my roots and seeing my big crazy family. each face, each hug and each smile took me by surprise and helped me to see the significance of this great love between us.

they each mean so much to me....and it's so important to me to make that journey down there every year.....i got to hear about Brandon's first year at UGA; to see Jordan still crazy about his high school sweetheart; watch Thomas, Caleb, Jordan, Dakota, Peyton, Cody, Tyler, and Bradley build their campsite in the middle of the gorgeous Georgia woods; laugh with Christiana, Kristin, Mandy, Brooklyn and Briana; hug Rebecca and Joanna a million times; read Bible stories to little Jackson; see Sam taking his ginormous dog Toby for a walk in the fog; giggle at Aunt Bo while she's giving directions; talk with Uncle Shane, Uncle Lane, Aunt Teresa, Uncle Tommy, Aunt Angie and Daddy about things that matter; hug my Papa and know that I love him anyway; sit with Grandma and hear about her buddy Jack and how much he loves her; laugh with Tyler and Josh about Jack's 3 bowls of peanuts for dessert....talk with Aunt Lisa and Caleb about prop 8, psychology and loving people; watch John and Ruth laugh at each other as fierce competetors and loving spouses; bounce on the trampoline with Jennifer and Jessica; solve the problems of the word's depressed teenagers with Bri; talk about nonsense with Bryan and Clark; kiss Kristin on the forhead enough the leave a mark; wait for Mom to call 15 times a day; laugh till my head hurts with Jaime, Dan, Jim, Harley and Hunter on the drive down; talk about my new life and what the Lord is doing in it with whoever will listen; watch Aaron and James playing soccer together in the dark; throwing citrus in the fire with Caroline and Jessica; remembering Uncle Mike with Ashley and Aunt Kealey.....alllllllll these things.

all these things make made my life more rich over the last week.

come together

2008-12-01T15:29:00.000-08:00

the guys at work and i have been reading through this book, With Justice for All by.....John Perkins. it's essentially about community development and living out the Gospel of Christ in our immediate communities...and challenging the Body to live in the midst of the desloation of our country, not just to look at it from the outside, in. anyway, he's got some pretty powerful words and has really inspired me to be unafraid of the neighborhood that surrounds me and to look at my neighbors as simply human, like me.

what's really been intriguing for me though, is this idea that the Church has a call to the world. that we as the Church are called by Christ to work toward reconciliation and healing....we should not be relying on government or just good people. we are called as the Body to get our hands and feet dirty loving, feeding and clothing people. and we've got to turn our dreams and ideals into actual progress, sweat and hard work. for so long, i've been a dreamer....i mean that will never change, but i've only dreamed of ideas for reaching out to people and haven't really had any clue how to do it. and maybe i'll never know exactly the most practical, realistic way to do anything for God's children. but, i know that when i wake up in the morning, i'm gonna go unlock the gate and walk to the train station down the street....and i'm going to smile at people and talk to them.....and maybe the next day see the same people and eventually maybe i'll know someone well enough to invite them over for supper. and we'll share a meal together....ya know? it's just gotta start somewhere. anyway, the following quote is by Howard Snyder, and Perkins quotes him in the book.....i think he's got a point. read it through a couple times and really think about what that means for you personally. it's good stuff.

"Reconciliation with God must be demonstrated by genuine reconciliation within the Christian community and by a continuing ministry of reconciliation in the world. This means that in each local Christian assembly, reconciliation must be more than a theory and more than an invisible spiritual stransaction. Reconciliation must be real and visible. Racial and economic exploitation and all forms of elitism must be challenged biblically. Unholy divisions of the body of Christ must be seen as sin and worldliness."

feels like hope

2008-12-01T15:03:00.000-08:00

so during our evening debriefs with the groups, we do this excercise.....i saw, i felt, i learned. and with my group from San Clemente a couple weeks ago, it went better than i ever could've dreamed. the students just really responded to the idea, and gave some incredible feedback. so here are the lovely Jenna's thoughts.....

"I saw...a woman excited from a bing prize....a man blessed by a smile...joy. contrast...love....a school with every kind of wall....a drug deal....Christ being the bridge....a park with the deepest congrast...a child's smile. a dumpster full of cardboard...beautiful people...work...a home. peace in the face of greed...a man with no home. a tent as a palace...brokenness....I felt...touched. pain...joy...privileged...the cold concrete...the thick air....the tenderness of a lonely heart...the tears of the people...unworthy of my wealth...ashamed....and a need of compassion....I learned...that brokenness looks like many things...a smile is God's compassion....the nonwealthy are worthy.....to forget myself....to focus on the things inside....to look past dirt, grime, poverty, cardboard, darkness and to see the light."

when Jenna read those words, my heart was moved beyond belief. it was like in that moment, the Lord was reaching into my soul and audibly saying, "Child, I have brought you here for this reason."

reading through their evaluations week after week, listening to their words of encouragement and affirmation, seeing their hearts transforming before my eyes...makes all this worth it. it redeems all the homesickness and loneliness that i've felt the last two months. knowing that Christ is doing a good work in and through me is more than i can ever ask for. and it's what has brought me to the decision to stay for a while longer....i've officially decided to stay for the spring term.....and then i guess we'll go from there :) thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

23

2008-11-08T22:38:00.000-08:00

i would just like to take a moment to thank my wonderful parents, Mark and Lori, for being incredible. and for loving each other so much that it poured out into and over the four of us. you've been the most supportive and loving people i could've asked to raise me. you taught me discipline, honesty, integrity, perseverance, joy, how to poop in the woods, how to love my siblings more, how to be stubborn -or just really determined, and how to be a leader. mom, thanks for suffering through those excrutiating 46 hours of labor, and daddy, thanks for holding her holding her hand. and then, thanks for doing it all over again three more times; i have the best brother and sisters in the world.

i owe you a lot. i mean really, a looooooooot. so thank you. espcecially for my college education and experience. it's in large part because of you. and thanks for being so wonderful about letting me make decisions, even when they're bad and even when they're hard. THANK YOU for supporting me in this new season and adventure that the Lord has led me to here in LA. thanks for raising me in the church, and for asking tough questions and giving tough answers. i'm a better thinker because of it. and i love Christ more for it too. anyway, it may be my birthday in an hour and 20 minutes, but the celebration is for you too. 23 years with children, congratulations guys :)
with love and respect,
britani leah

Center for Student Missions

2008-11-05T23:02:00.000-08:00

soooo my lovely friend, Ellen, brought it to my attention that i have yet to actually say on here what i'm doing.......aaaaand i haven't actually read back through my posts to see if she's right. maybe because i'm a little wordy ;)
anyway, here's the down low on CSM, Los Angeles.
i am currently, the fall "host" for CSM LA. what does that mean...well, mostly on the weekends in the fall (more week-long for spring and summer) i host youth groups and college groups of students who are coming to the city for a mission trip of sorts. i'm the facilitator and liason between the groups and the places we serve. for example, last weekend, i hosted a lovely group of 15 high schoolers from Bakersfield, CA. after they came in on friday evening, i took them to supper -or dinner as californians say- at Honduras Kitchen and then we went on the Prayer Tour. [LA's prayer tour is anywhere from 2-3 hours long, and it's essentially a driving tour of the city. we get out and stop at several key spots of different areas and discuss some of the issues as they apply. all the while, we pray for whatever it is we see, and we look for ways that the Lord is in the city working.] at the end of each day, we debrief and kind of process through what we've seen, heard and experienced. let me just say that debriefs are often my favorite treasures of these trips. some of these kids are absolutely brilliant. some are broken and the Lord restores them in front of my eyes...for some, a dissonant chord is struck in their hearts and they leave passionate about something new.
after that first day, we typically serve at two different places each day, followed by supper at an ethnic place and debriefing again. my bakersfield group served at Los Angeles Regional Food Bank in the morning and then we split into two groups for the afternoon. my half of the group did a Meet-a-Need which is something that may be unique to LA? not really sure, but they don't do it in H-town. anyhow, the students go through a designated downtown area, trying to meet someone, learn their story and meet a particular need. we try to stress creativity :) after that, we served at Sharon Care which is a convelescent home. usually at places like this, we play the world renowned game of BINGO. buuut flexibility is key with CSM, so the group was AMAZING and just spent a couple hours getting to know the people livin there, and also went through the rooms "caroling". pretty sweet stuff :) you never, never know how much a song or a smile or a handshake means to someone else. sooooooo after that, we had supper at Zankou chicken; armenian food = bliss. that's all i have to say about that. love it :)
sunday mornings, we typically go to a culturally diverse worship service...and that's essentially a weekend in the life of Britani :) week long trips are my fave, because i really do love hosting. buuut those kids from bakersfield changed my mind about weekend groups. they encouraged and affirmed me more than they will ever know.

it's easy to doubt the good things that the Lord gives us....who knows why. but He used those students to remind me that i'm here for a reason, and that He's gifted me perfectly for this particular job.

thanks for your love and support. and prayer of course. it honestly has been harder than i expected, but better than i expected too. i'm finally getting settled and makin friends and connections. and i'm challenged to be more bold every day. i know, who would think it would be hard for me to talk to strangers........welllllll california is COMPLETELY different than kansas. but i'm getting better. God's still good and He's still taking care of me.

okayyyyyyy i know it's gettin really long now, BUT. the beach. wow. incredible. the ocean is blue here. who knew? ;) and the wavesssssssss. man those waves rock. and the sand. k well i love all of it.

also. I LOVE VISITORS. so iffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff i happen to decide to stay for longer than december, please PLEASE somebody come visit me for the love of Peter. i would love to share this new adventure with anyone who wants to see :)

at the end of the day you're another day older.

2008-11-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

so the other day, i was listening to one of my favorite musicals, Les Misérables....nearly every single time i listen to it, the lyrics and the movement of the music moves me to tears. yeaaaaa sure i am an emotional wonder, but still. anyway, one of the underlying themes of the story is that a group of poor or working class {of frace} band together. they're fighting and dying for one another, working to end opression and gain social justice. they inspire and empower themselves to fight for a change that they believe in.
i wish i had that courage, that motivation to really make a difference. i'm not talking about killing people obviously, but just about being radical enough to inspire someone -namely myself- to want to do something about this sick and broken world we live in. and do to it together. we can't be divided to function properly.
the body of Christ is made up of unique parts and each member must work with the rest. there are a million things that we disagree on, but there is common ground that's worth standing up for. the Kingdom of God is here and now. we are His children, called to love God and neighbor. now each of us will live that out in a different way, some will be mothers, some will be teachers, doctors, architects, artists, event planners, construction workers, missionaries, pastors, lawyers, general managers and pianists. we all have something different that we DO but we all have a similar thing that we ARE. soooooooo we should act like it. and as my man michael jackson says, "i'm starting with the man in the mirror". or woman.

we the people

2008-10-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

if you're worried by the title, i'm not going to talk about the election or politics:)

just the people.

so last sunday night, i went to Mosaic, this trendy church in downtown. it was different than any service i've ever been to, but the message spoke to my heart. the sermon was about taking chances and following the dreams the Lord has given us. so i felt very affirmed in that the Lord gave me this intense desire to come and love his people here.....and even though it's so hard to be away from the people that i love, i still want to be here. anyway, i was also inspired because since i've been here, i haven't really done much....i mean, i've been hosting which is incredible. but other than that, i've not really done a lot to get to know the city and the people.

so this week, i've just been trying to love on some people. my new friend alex needed help moving, so i went to Rosemead to help him. i met his cousins Jeremy and Christian, his mom Martha and his aunt Belinda. Christian's 6. not exactly an angel, but he's the cutest thing i've seen in awhile ;)

Vales and I went to see Rachel -the city director who's having a baby soooon, and i got to play with her beautiful daughter Jane. she was perfectly content to twirl around her bedroom and jingle my necklace.

I met some of the people at Project Angel Food, Kris and Vesna. They work every day, supporting the people that make and deliver meals to people suffering from HIV and AIDS.

Today, I got to meet Lauren, who heads up Adventures Ahead, an after school tutoring program that caters to students in the Pico Union area. A little background on Pico....the Pico Union neighborhood is home to more than 120,000 people in a two mile area. That basically breaks down to 550 people per block. If you've seen the area, you know that the area isn't exactly residential....lots of shops, tiny restaurants and tinier houses. The average person in PU makes $4,800/year compared to $16,150 avg. for the rest of LA county. But it's not about stats. :)

so i'm finally meeting people and finally learning what else i can do here....other than hosting on the weekends. even though that's incredible.

i know this post is getting kinda lengthy so i'll try to finish.....with this. my group last weekend was one of my favorite groups ever. we talked a lot about being the body of Christ to our immediate community, then to our neighboring community and eventually the world. they had an opportunity at the end of the weekend to put those ideas into action. one of the guys met this man outside Walgreens and just randomly wanted to buy him some socks and a sweatshirt. which was amazing. he wanted to know the dude's name and then he just bought him stuff that he needed. but the really amazing display of the body was when the students found out that their youth pastor was having an affair. they wanted more than anything to be at home in church when the announcement was made -so that they could support their church family, but especially support him. i wish that we all got life like that.....that we could forgive each other and just love. i know that was an awful, terrible thing to happen and i'm not condoning it at all. but we have to learn to get past that....somehow to get past it and forgive each other. and we just gotta love a little more.

persperation station

2008-10-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

it's another scorcher in south central....:) i'm INSIDE the air conditioned warehouse and sweating. a lot.

so we're preparing for our next weekend of groupssss!!! i'm hosting a group of 18 high schoolers which is awesome. love high schoolers. ;)

so yesterday, my cousin Jaime and i, and a friend of his named Chris went to Santa Barbara. i have to say, it was a beautiful little drive down the coast. and it's a super cute little place. very quaint. and the viewwwwww oh man the view.

annnnyway, that's all for now, because our little groupies should be here soon :) but the purpose of saying anything was just to ask for prayer. i'm a little tired, and not really feeling well....so i just need energy and enthusiasm....and if not that, transparency that the Lord could speak through me and use me anyway, despite the way i feel. thanks, and much love :)
Grace and Peace!

wishing well

2008-10-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

10.22.08

sorry it's been so long :) i was writing more when i didn't have the internet....haha. so, this past weekend, i hosted my first group! they were from the LA area, and a college group, so that was fantastic. hopefully i've made some friends :) my first prayer tour went well...for me, it's the most intense 2 hours of the weekend, but i love it. i've already said before, that the Lord shows me something new each time i go on it/give it. this time, we were driving through skid row and on the street corner, there were 5 men all gathered around djembe drums, and a couple trash cans just jammin. i think in that moment, the Lord really spoke to me through those men about making the best....and that joy is not about your position i.e. what you do, where you are, the outside things that are effecting you...but about the condition of your heart; who you are, and the way that you react to those outside sources.

so often, we as humans place our worth and our source of happiness on what we're doing and the success that we're having or not having. but what's it really about? maybe if we come to know who we are and are allowing the Lord and his people to change our hearts, then naturally what we do will be an outpouring of our hearts. a couple months before i left my job at Friends, i was basically miserable. really confused as to what my purpose was, because i knew that my heart was longing for something more. but one of my mentors told me that he thought i might need to try to start asking the Lord for ways to have purpose at work. to share my heart for loving people in that place. so that's what i did....i just kept asking God to give me a reason to go to work....and ya know, when this opportunity in LA presented itself, though i didn't really hesitate to say yes, it was still really hard to leave. because the Lord had shown me how to make the best of it. i tried really hard to pour into my co-workers and especially my student workers. though some days were better than others, i tried....and He has made me better for it. i mean, not for the things that i've done, but for the way that He changed my heart, changed my outlook and ultimately the condition of my heart.

anyway....we went hiking this weekend too. this lovely little trail that led to a uhhh "waterfall" that's mostly dried up at this point in the season. but a few of the guys and i went up a little further on the trail and saw the most spectacular view! all around us were green, lush mountains...to the left we could see Los Angeles and to the right was the ocean...big and blue and full of God...and through the clouds was Catalina Island. way cool.

sooooooooo all this rambling to say, be encouraged my sweet brothers and sisters :) find a way to live out something that you're passionate about wherever you are. check out the view and take a djembe to work :)

minty green tea

2008-10-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

20 minutes later….
Note to self: Please Please PLEASE never again drink Green Tea…much less with mint…right before bed. Or even two hours before. Or at this point three hours before…I’m pretty sure. No wait, I KNOW that I didn’t have that tea before 9:00. And it’s nearly midnight. Can’t sleep. Not even tired really. And of course no internet so I can’t even waste my time on facebook. Lameeeeeeeee. Well I’m going to read. Yep. K. maybe sleep will find me sometime before 1:00. Please God.

opportunities

2008-10-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

10.15.08
I was introduced to another organization that may be good to volunteer with this fall. It’ll take some effort on my part to get there because they’re located in Hollywood…but hopefully it’ll work out. They’re called Project Angel Food and they’re non-faith based which I actually think is a really cool opportunity for me as a follower of Jesus to minister to them with who I am versus what my labels are. Or rather who Jesus is in me. Anyway, I guess they cook food and stuff all day for people who are suffering from HIV/AIDS. But it's just another option....hopefully I'll find something SOON. I need human contact :) I love my warehouse but really....i need people :)

Man my keyboard is being ridiculous. Ok so lets see… anyway, Project Angel Food. The Lord has been really challenging me since I got here to not only love the poor but also the wealthy because there seems to be such a huge gap between rich and poor here. And also because it’s uncomfortable for me. I’m learning that it’s difficult for me to interact with people who believe differently from me and I wanna be stretched and grown as much as possible so maybe it’ll be good to be around someone else. I think I’ve already said that but it’s so true. I could talk about how we need to love the homeless and not ignore them all day long but when you put me in a room with a rich girl, I’ll turn the other way and judge her for being rich or pretty. And that’s not what I want to be about…I don’t want be that kind of person. Anyway.

Oh yea. Yesterday, my cousin Jaime and I were driving through Beverly Hills and saw Fabio ;) haha…so funny and kinda cool. He was driving a black Lamborghini with his long flowy hair sailing behind him. Yea he checked us out ;) Also, I went on this urban plunge thing all by myself! Yes sir. I think I could navigate alright through the metro system. It’s really fairly small compared to other cities. But it’ll do. Definitely needs work tho. Ummm….man I have to do the laundry tomorrow. So I’m going to walk a mile or so to this Laundromat here in SC on Compton…maybe I’ll sit at Starbucks for a while and actually post this sucker. Sorry it’s been so long, we’ve been w/o internet for several days. I’ve resorted to playing soccer by myself in the commons room. Hahah. True. Equally sad ;) I’m really excited for my group this weekend…they’re a college group!!! Hopefully they’re like upper classman so they’ll be close to my age. No, I shouldn’t have expectations. But they’ll be 20!!! Yesssssssssss Mkay. Enough for now. Much Love, Grace and Peace.

questions and answers and questions

2008-10-16T18:06:00.002-07:00

10.13.08
Relief.
I wonder how a person ever has relief when living in the midst of homelessness. I try to imagine those first few days on the street…cold, damp, lonely. I like to think I would still pray; more like cry out and beg the Lord for rescue. Maybe then, once the night is over and the dangers of the dark are gone, relief comes with the morning. Hope wakes up with dawn.
Fred was his name. We met my first Saturday morning at Faith in Christ ministries. The Santa Ana’s had blown in over the night, so that particular morning was cool and crisp. Smiling at each other, we shook hands. He wore a thick black coat, a black and red knit beanie with blue jeans and dirty shoes. He wore deep blue colored contacts; I wondered where he got them from. He has a daughter; she just graduated from nursing school. Such a proud daddy. His warm voice echoed his surprisingly confident demeanor. Fred was glad that I had followed the Lord to L.A. How did he end up homeless? How does he keep going? Deep in his eyes was real Joy. That’s all there is I guess…it’s all about perspective.

I hope we make a difference. That the Lord uses my hands for good…that deliverance can come for one person. But I’m starting to wonder if that matters at all. It’s beginning to seem that all there truly is….all there ever has been, is Christ. The condition of our souls is more important….I want to know what is more important; basic needs, or being treated like a human. If I was homeless; ignored, putrid smelling, knotted, trampled on and starving, what would I care about more? Being looked in the face, or having a drink of clean water….? Or should I have to choose…shouldn’t both those things be in the same basic needs category? Food, water, shelter, humanness. That’s what I’m doing here. I’m here to treat people like people, and then to meet their needs. I’m here to inspire youth to learn how to really live the message of Jesus. To love God and love our neighbors as ourselves. My prayer is that it would stick. People would start GETTING IT. I will spread that message until I’m blue in the face; I will never tire of trying my damnedest to treat people well and encourage others to do the same. And if one person smiles at someone who is homeless because of something I did or said or tried…well then my job is complete. My next prayer is that they would go on and spread the goodness. Maybe we can start to live like Christ…and maybe it’s really easier than we make it out to be. It’s possible that it begins with something simple like a smile. And then that smile builds into a “Hello”. Piled on top of that word is maybe a free lunch and listening ears. Maybe we can start to collectively get it. And Christ can reclaim the “Christian” label and we won’t be ashamed to say that’s what we are.
I usually hate saying that I’m a Christian. Only because I know that the stereotype is negative and usually it’s something I’m not associated with. Or at least I try not to be. Yea I should say that now…I DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. Usually, I’m wrong actually. But I really think that about this….I might be closer to the better end of right. Man wouldn’t it be a beautiful day if the Church welcomed and loved alcoholics and crack addicts? Then maybe Jesus can be the healer of those addictions and the Church can be the encouraging body behind the recovery. And maybe God’s timing is perfect and He will heal his children when the time is right. ????
And you know….for that matter. We should probably learn to embrace people of all (ALL ALL ALL) socio-economic backgrounds. That means rich and poor. Black, White, Latino,Asian….everyone. Rich people have broken pieces too. Afterall, we were ALL created in God’s image. Each of his children. Instead of treating wealthy or famous people like they’re a commodity, maybe we should treat them like people too. Smile at them on the street, and leave it be. You wouldn’t walk up to a complete (non-famous) stranger and take pictures of them would you? Yea Ok that’s good for now.

George

2008-10-16T18:06:00.001-07:00

“I never won at Bingo,” an old black man with gold rimmed glasses droned to me one October afternoon. We came to the Grandview Retirement Hotel to play games with elderly people; many with no family, most suffering some kind of mental disease or cancer. Walking up to the old Southern style front porch, a breeze of marijuana wafted my way…. “Oh you’ve never won at Bingo?” I sympathetically asked. “Well maybe today’ll be your lucky day.” Sure enough, that gold rimmed glasses wearing man with the black paisley shirt sitting in a wheelchair won Bingo five times that crisp October day. When we left, my bingo partner was relaxing on the front porch, drinking a Sprite and smoking a joint. It seemed, however, that the marijuana wasn’t the only pain reliever in his day.

shopping carts

2008-10-16T18:05:00.001-07:00

10.12.08
Shopping Carts.
Red silver and gray,
Colors of distress, ownership, pain, and hope.
Colors of a loner.
Parked outside.
Overflowing with possessions. All he owns. All he has.
Dreadlocks and curls. Green shirt and the shakes.

On The Way

2008-10-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

well folks,

i promised a blog :) here it is.
i'm on the way to Los Angeles...to serve this fall with CSM (Center for Student Missions). the next week or so will just be training/getting to know L.A. and then the following couple months i'll be hosting groups on the weekends. we'll be serving at all kinds of different inner city organizations and eating at cool ethnic restaurants. basically can't wait.

this is a beautiful testament to the faithfulness of God and His provision and perfect timing. :) more to come....i'm tired if sitting still ;)