jeremiah

so. 1958 miles ago (give or take a hundred or so) i was in sunny Los Angeles...that's right, i drove from L.A. to Kansas to Houston in a matter of days. a lot of friends have asked why i suddenly moved across the country. again. and i'm just going to share some of my personal journal entries to shed a little light on the subject. but i should add that when i journal, it really is a way of communicating to the Lord what's on my heart, and on my mind. and also a way of talking out just what i'm feeling, as if i'm speaking to a particular person sometimes....haha does that make me a little crazy? ; ) ......so here's an entry from January 2007....

"do you ever get these longings? these deep achings of your soul that sound like the groanings of a gigantic ship that's sinking...right now my heart, my body, my mind, all of me is aching for Houston. that's where i want to be right now. if i could dream up any kind of fantastical tale tonight in my sleep, i'd dream i was in Houston. seeing Claude and his wife Jenny. smiling at James and telling him good-morning, looking at the joy on his face because i finally remembered his name : ) chit-chatting with Mr. Williams while i count the number of men eating supper at Harbor Light. holding little Zachary in my arms, telling him i'll be back soon. eating thai food with a bunch of hungry jr. highers, enticing them to drink the tea that tastes like barbeque...praying over the city, knowing that our loving God is listening. looking at the lights of the city from Eleanor Tinsley park....that one building with the crescent moon shape lit up on the west side.

i'm still not over that city. it breaks my heart i can't be there.

maybe i'll take your there; maybe we'll go there someday...soon. man i love that place. the green field in front of the water wall. we'll go there and lay down - looking upside down up at the buildings. and we'll hear the water in the background. and we'll hear kids laughing. and we'll forget for a moment about all the bad stuff going on in the middle. all we'll know is peace. contentment. joy. and you'll make me laugh. i'll breathe deep, soaking it all in. and then i'll tell you to cherish this. joy.

i imagine in heaven there's a green field like that only three hundred times bigger. and at the end, instead of a steel building, it's God. and we're all playing in that field, throwing frisbees, turning cartwheels, dancing, laughing and we get tired. and we tumble to the ground. and we're laying on the ground, looking up at God. we're absolutely in awe. like we were at the building, only this is way bigger than that. and we can talk to him and dazzle at his glory all the time. every day we can laugh and play in that field and look up at our very Big God and know He's it. that this is what we've been waiting for. this is what all those trials on earth were building up to. this is what towers in comparison to the joy we had on earth. and we won't cry for the hurting ones anymore. our hearts won't ache for what they can't have anymore; cuz they are truly content. completely and perfectly and incandescently happy. joy."

so you see, my soul has been longing for this opportunity for years. as i was driving into Houston on Sunday, i was listening to Andrew Petersen's song Canaan Bound...it's kind of about Abraham and Sarah and God leading them into Canaan. ironically enough, it's the same song that came on as i was pulling out of the housing site in L.A....it's kind of been a theme of my life these last few months. God leading me into the places He's prepared for me. and i'm struck again with the question, "why me? why am i getting what i asked for?" ....maybe eventually i'll learn something about the character of God and really find the answer. i probably already know, i just can't believe it. He's too good. that's probably not possible...since He's the inventer of good. the essense of it. anyway, maybe those words explain a little better this new chapter of my life. i really believe that the Lord has been preparing the way for this season for a long time....that He's had exactly this time and place in mind and maybe the Holy Spirit in me was speaking echoes of His own voice, leading me here.....

"call to me and i will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know" jer. 33.3

la vie boehme

Sunrise at CSM. One of my favorite things about life I think, is that hope wakes up with the morning. Just like the mercy of the Lord.
Lamentations 3:21-29 says, "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust -there may yet be hope..."

on a glorious day in December, my lovely friend Olivia and i saw the Santa Monica Pier.....













......from the Slauson Blue Line Station, sometimes
you can catch a good view of downtown LosAngeles : )

between the bars

yesterday i sat on our couch just inside the front door, reading Harry Potter all day. thank the Lord for days off : ) but while i was reading, the door was open letting the sunshine in....

from where i sit, i can just see enough sidewalk to catch pieces of people's stories. as they pass by, i wonder about them as i look intently at the details on their faces, in their stride. a man on a road bike rides by, a boom box bungee-corded underneath the seat. he's bouncin along to some funky beat muttering to himself about a stray dog. i only catch a glimpse of his back, but the way he rides is confident and carefree.

then a triad of dogs gimps by. the first, the tip of the V, is so shaggy that dirt and debris have clung to his coat. following him on the left, a small black and brown chihuahua jogs on three legs. behind the leader to the other side is a dark brown something-or-other. he looks happy enough, but probably hungry.

finally someone passes so i can see their face. she looks tired, run down. dark circles under her eyes indicate that maybe the baby she pushes in a stroller kept her up all night. her thick black hair is swept up in a messy pony tail, her bangs touch her thick lashes. i wonder where she's headed...she's carrying a purse and a plastic bag, only there's not a store in that direction for quite a while.

another group of kids passes by, a fortuitous friendship. first a boy who looks to be 15, bright and happy; next a younger one, maybe 12 or 13, a little round, probably both should be in school. the last to come into view is older, probably 25 + but not their parent. his head is shaved completely bald and has a little soul patch under his bottom lip. he walks with a swagger and commands attention from the other two, though unlikely many others. his confidence seems false....but what do i know? they laugh and briefly glance in my direction.

overhead, i catch sight of helicopters circling the area several times....what are they looking for?

then, sirens wailing.

my friend Mo walks by, looking into the neighbors recycling bin for any left overs he can turn in. the day before, he and Jackie came by our place picking up several bags of plastics, cardboard and cans. they both have wandered their way into my heart. simply by being around i guess.

people drive by, trash flutters with the wind. the train whistles and blows. airplanes fade in and out of view. passersby come and go. the sun rises and sets....

my time here is coming to an end and my heart is torn. i don't know how people do this. pick up and move...establish and reestablish. love and love again....now my heart lies with yet another place, another people. home, here, houston...but He's got the whole world in His hands. including little me and my heart. these wanderers who pass by outside the gate are part of Him too. part of His world. and that has to be enough....

when it all comes down

so lately i've been really convicted that i need to be guarded against losing sight of what i'm really doing here. it's easy to forget the core of why i can even love others, of who i really am. getting swept up in the doing good things is far easier than i like to admit. i'm finding it's not enough to just be a good person and do good things. even tho God has made me passionate about loving people....it's just that i can get so focused on that....that i forget to slow down and just be who He tells me i am. to just revel in the presence of a Holy God.

last night i was reading The Shack by William P. Young...anyway, it's not my favorite, i mean there are definitely some things that i don't particularly like about it, but this section i read last night really struck a chord in my heart. it goes like this, the main character, Mack is having a discussion with God and the He says,
"The real underlying flaw in your life, Mackenzie, is that you do not think that I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives - is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me........trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me." Then Mack says, he doesn't know how to change that, and the Sprit answers,
"....For now I just want you to be with me and discover our relationship is not about performance or you having to please me. I'm not a bully, not some self-centered demanding little deity insisting on my own way. I am good and I desire what is best for you. You cannot find that through guilt or condemnation or coercion, only through a relationship of love. And I do love you."

I think I underlined and commented in the tabs and everything all over that section ; ) I just feel like those are crucial fundamental facts we have to grasp about the nature of God...and it's so easy to stray from that. Even if we're focused on other good and beautiful things. It's hard for it all to really count for me if I'm not sure of who the Lord is and in effect, who I am. Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day : )

As far as what I'm doing....well, we're training the new spring staff here in L.A....I'm kind of being trained along with them a bit. However, if you haven't already heard, I have taken the Associate Director position with CSM-Houston! So I'm moving to H-town March 1st and will start then full time. There are obviously a lot of other details, which I will spare you at the moment. You can definitely be remembering me and CSM Houston in your prayers though. Today we found some temporary housing for me though! So that's really exciting....hopefully I'll be staying for as long as I need to with a family while I transition. Praise the Lord for that! Also though, you can be praying for a decent car for me. I'm working with a ministry right now trying to work something out, but just for all those details to come together : ) Anyway, that's that. I'll update again as soon as I get a chance! Much love : )

feels like home

sorry it's been so long : ) 

i have no good excuses....

well, this post is dedicated to the things i love about being home. as many of you know, i have spent the last month and a halfish at home in kansas...my time has been divided between haviland and wichita which has been far more challenging than i dreamed. however, now that my time here has ended, i do feel like most of it was used pretty wisely. though i didn't get the chance to really speak deeply to as many people as i would've liked, i am leaving this place more full than when i came and pray that someone else was as blessed by me. 

one of my favorite spiritual exercises is 'counting your blessings'.....it's pretty self explanatory, you just journal (or blog!) and write down everything you consider a blessing. could be people, places, things, feelings, you get the picture. so here goes : ) 

today, i am thankful for...my family, mom, dad, peyton, kristin and audrey. the time i spent with them the past month has been irreplaceable. i love you each loads more than you know : ) my mom's students....they were a beautiful disaster of a surprise. honestly, i never would've thought i could feel so attached, buuuut....well, i do : ) so, i'm just gonna mention a few names....evan, hannah, tanner m, sage, garrett, clay, kale, chase, jimmy, wayne, jessica, bailey, kim, amanda, heather, spencer, tanner s, doug, peyton, john, clint, alex, josh....well, i can't say everyone's names. but, they really all were great to interact with. it became a glorious routine finding a way into town each day to hang out in the english room with those kids. i'm certainly thankful for their willingness to sit through my soap box speeches : ) it was good for me to remember what high school was like and to be encouraged that there is hope. aaaand high schoolers are so free sometimes and really goofy. and i love that. but what i really hope for is that some of them will get it eventually. what life is about i mean....there's just so much more in this life....there's a reason for getting up in the morning that transcends the stuff of this world. my heart is full of hope for those students that their hearts will be captured. 

i was surprised one morning when i woke up in wichita and actually wished i could've been in that little english room with Mom's kids. : ) i never knew that my heart could be so full. so i'm thankful that the Lord allows our hearts to grow to fill more love and affection for our brothers and sisters. i'm thankful for my mentors, Patrick and Carrie. i'm thankful for the faithfulness of the Lord...and in light of that, encouraged by the perseverance of His followers.....i'm thankful for.....new life. second chances. forgiveness and Grace. Agape. learning. mr.v. lillian. sar and gabe. barclay. friends u. timm. christmas. Christ. fresh tomatoes. rachel, vales and liu. paul and megan. the rest of the CSM staff. opportunity. quiet places. logan v. transparency. laughing. sunshine. relationships. hope. serving. acceptance. conviction. music. music. music. hope again. kay and neil. dave and carol....i'm so thankful for them both individually and as a couple, a team. kristen and marie. jane. paint. the best friends in the world. abby, cherie, stephanie and brian, erin and ryan, lauren, grace, audge, anth, katie liz, el, liv....mannnn this list goes on and on. but the point is that i'm so thankful....for so many incredible people and things that the Lord has put in my life. i'm so grateful.....houston. los angeles. wichita. claude and jenny. zachary. phillip. robert. bill. melia. blankets. love. curiosity. growing up. 

people, places....life. today my life is so rich. 

one of my favorite musicians, Amos Lee, wrote this awesome song called Freedom....the back story i believe, goes like this: Amos Lee used to be a teacher, and he was having problems with some of his students fighting...so he was wrote the song about tryingto get them to see that basically, when ya break it down, fighting and hurting other people doesn't really make you feel better...and on a personal note, i wanna add that things and statuses and beliefs don't make one person better than the next. or just because you're strong enough to beat someone down doesn't make you better than them...so here's some of the lyrics-

"Don't wanna blame the rich for what they got
Don't point a finger at the poor for what they have not
Though the politician and the priest
Live in the belly of the beast because we fed it

Freedom is seldom found
By beating someone to the ground
Telling them how everything is gonna be now"

i think the man might be on to something.....

shout out loud

the people walking through the breakfast line at Midnight Mission have so much to be seen in their faces. what's superficial - dirt, glass eyes, mangled mouths, contorted kind smiles, bruises, scars, ugliness...then there's what's underneath - wisdom, fear, beauty, greed, abuse, sacrifice, addiction, confusion, warmth, evidence of grace, embarassment and gratitude. there's a roughness about these people that is difficult to describe without a tangible vision.
still, each of these emotions and attributes looked at individually seem easy enough to deal with. but for most of the people at the mission, one comes with another more twisted and hard to confront. they may each have that hardness about them that can only come from being so morbidly courageous and desperately weak, but they still have a story; one that is complex yet broken down to a simple theme -humanness. their stories bring some people to fear or hate, and others to tears and forward motion. but no matter what the outsiders looking in think, we cannot deny their humanity. setting religous beliefs aside, put away creation vs. evolution, people of the streets -dwelling in tents or sidewalks, under bridges or in shelters or cars....they are still validly human and deserve to be treated as such. just as much as you or i. but even more, for the Church, we ought to be believing that....no, living that.

last year my baby sister was treated with disrespect and unfairly ignored. no matter if she provoked the treatment, as a person she is worth being treated well. [the Beattitudes anyone?] random strangers, our closest friends or enemies....what separates us? more importantly, what makes us the same? what is the binding factor?

Saturday morning at Midnight Mission, it was undeniably obvious the similarities between all the people in the room. we all woke up early, we were all hungry and ready for breakfast, and we all were grateful for a warm place to be out of the rain for a moment...all simple human desires all felt by real people with basic needs.

i wonder sometimes why i care so much. why i am so passionately drawn to people who are lonely and desprate, ignored. i really don't know. but there is something deeply rooted in my being - i can feel it in my gut- that is like a magnet. pulling me to them, driving me to love them without reservations is this need to love...to recklessly abandon my other senses and just love. i'm probably crazy. but i am a lover and a fighter. and i will fight for broken people. for people without a voice, i love you. i believe in a good and perfect God for you. and i believe He is redeeming your story...and sometimes, He uses His people to do it....