be.

i quit my job.

i loved my job.

but it seems that i came to this place of identifying too much, who i am with what i do. so when the voice of the Lord spoke, encouraging me to step out, by Grace i had the courage.

so, here i am. just me. i'm living in this space where it often feels like time is not moving at all. like i'm trapped in this vortex...the picture that comes to my mind is a hallway in the middle of the night sky. there are doors all the way down the corridor, and i walk by each one listening, waiting, questioning which one i will open. or maybe one will just swing open for me to make this easier.

the week before my last day, i had a bit of a break-down. i found myself weeping, word vomiting all over a dear friend...questioning everything, down to the core of who i'm made to be, i shared with him my deep fears and dreams. he encouraged me to lean in and experience this fully. whether it be pain, fear, doubt, questions or hope, joy, love, peace; experience it. because living inside the heart of God's Kingdom, following Jesus, includes that scope of emotion. it includes the magnificent and the terrifying. when we are profoundly aware of some of the most central ideas of our being, we are at the heart of identity - at the heart of God. when we live as those who have been resurrected with the living Messiah, our lives are more rich, more full than we could ever imagine. the values and economy of the Kingdom don't make any sense to culture or society... but for some reason, it works! in my head, it makes no sense that since i left my job, i would have more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. my life is exploding with beauty! i still have ABSOLUTELY no idea what tomorrow brings, let alone the ominous 'future'. but a peace has settled over me like a warm, heavy down comforter. it's tangible. i feel like i am being protected and provided for. and it doesn't make any sense...i have no consistent form of income, no grand plan for what my life will hold. this is the scariest, and somehow the bravest thing i have ever been led to do...there are still some days when all i can think is, "(insert your favorite expoitive here because i've probably used them all)...what am i doing Lord?" and cry out in anguish. but most of the time, i sigh contendedly and surrender my heart into the capable hands of my Maker.

this challenge of learning and knowing intimately who i am and being that girl is really hard. often i struggle with comparing where i'm at in life with where so many of my friends are...and then, i am reminded - whether through a flower, a beautiful building, art, good coffee, comfortable sweats, or my dog - that i am who i am for a reason. every detail of my life has been perfectly crafted for me. so i am encouraged to be me. i'm encouraged to be.

broken hallelujah

I've been thinking a lot about love lately...also fear, worry, loneliness, hope, anger, pain, joy...

So often in my life I feel something that seems negative, and turning, I run from it. It is easier and less painful to ignore those thoughts/feelings and pretend like they're not there. So I fill my life with stuff - not always bad stuff, mind you. Lately, I've been working out like a beast, spending time in coffee shops, reading, writing, drawing, volunteering, all perfectly lovely things. But they've been busying my mind and my heart from doing the hard, painful soul-work that I know I need. I'm prolonging the inevitable.

So today, I sat down for a concerted amount of time and willingly entered into the mess. I recently read the book Everything Belongs, by Richard Rohr. He says a lot of remarkable things about turning inward and knowing ourselves well. He also speaks to fear and pain, "In terms of soul-work, we dare not get rid of the pain until we have learned what it has to teach us". He says later, "Growth is accomplished by the release of our current defense postures, by the letting go of fear and our attachment to self-image." With that in mind, I processed through the myriad of feelings I've been avoiding in the past month. Up they bubbled to the surface, ugly and pissed off because I ignored them for so long. It's true that I know it is in this wildly uncomfortable place that I will grow and learn. I'm much more mold-able because I am completely out of control.

But I think I am beginning to see how all of it fits; how everything really does belong. By recognizing and speaking to my fear, I think it has less power over me. I'm not as afraid of it anymore. Each of these feelings somehow fits into the bigger picture...and it's okay that it is a part of my picture because, at the end of the day, Love still wins. It just doesn't look like what I always imagined. Love is messy. Love is reckless. Love is wounded and bleeding on the floor. Love speaks, love listens. Love breathes into brokenness and revives. Love feels my pain alongside me - and it makes it much more rich and full. Love isn't rainbows and unicorns or dancing on clouds in sunshine. It's much more real than that; it encompasses much more breadth. Love is sacrifice and surrender, love is letting go. And as Leonard Cohen's lyric says, "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah". I think I've come to the conclusion that it's both/and. Love sings and frees and dances. But at the same time it mourns and grieves. And from the pit, it gasps out 'hallelujah's.

taste of hunger

for the last several months, i've been spending at least once a week at one of the Salvation Army residences in Houston. it has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life to have spent time with the women and children who live there. their laughter, hugs, tears and stories have changed me. in knowing them, i know Jesus...and in knowing Jesus, i know them.

there is something about hope that is so attractive to me. it awakens something deep inside that threatens the darkness of my soul, the darkness of the world. it beckons me to sit and breathe it in like salty sea air. being with the families at Salvation Army does that...it restores my broken hope. even as so many women leave unannounced, taking their children back into the wilds of the city, somehow there is hope. i think because it's so evident that the Holy Spirit is invigorating the walls of that place.

but it is these kids who make up a greater population in Houston; hungry children. i read this article today that was astounding. it's long, but worth the read. it's a great picture into what hunger looks like in my city...it's things like this that keep me here. keep me tied to this place and to these issues, these people. there are hungry people all over the world, hungrier than these children certainly. but God has placed me here. now. and i mustn't sit idle by and watch these kids steal to eat. so here's the article:

http://www.houstonpress.com/2010-12-23/news/children-of-god/2/

and here's a brilliant organization that CSM partners with to actually put healthy food in these kids' bellies. http://www.kidsmealshouston.org/

some of my dear friends work for Kids Meals. in my heart, they're a little like freedom fighters. they sacrifice for the good of this population...they put into action God's call for us to feed people who are hungry. from James chapter 2, "¹⁴ What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? ¹⁵ Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶ If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

let's be doers of the word. and change the face of hunger in our homes, our neighborhoods and our cities.

peace be with you as the hope of a new year dawns.

Dance of the Pigeons

sometimes i write silly poems....this one happened one day last year when i was watching these humongous pigeons strutting for each other....

Strut your stuff you meaty wonder

I’ll dance away from you

I see you’re trying to take your plunder

But you haven’t got a clue

Life is full of twists and turns

Make me certain you’ll follow

You’re afraid that you’ll get burned?

Well I can barely swallow…

I’ve been down this path before

Broken, wounded and low

So it’s scary, even more

Please, stop strutting, take it slow.

Pass the Peace

12/15/10

One of my most dear friends lost her unborn child today. My heart aches for her and her husband, for their raw and broken hearts. I'm reminded again of our profound need for a Savior who will bring redemption. I'm reminded that the earth is not yet whole while there is suffering. And yet there is hope...in the midst of this painful, broken world there is hope. If nothing else, we hope in the unceasing steadfast love of the Lord.

'No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand' says the hymn.

He holds us, tenderly caring for us when all around crumbles. I don't understand how or why there is such brokenness in our lives here. Why death and divorce happen. But I do understand that the Prince of Peace is coming to heal it all, to set it right. As we live and breathe he is redeeming us. Take heart, do not lose hope - He has overcome sin and death and will make all things new. Let us bury our faces in the dust, there may yet be hope.

how to build global community

today i got the most brilliant birthday card ever.

this is what it says,

"how to build global community:

think of no one as 'them'

don't confuse your comfort with your safety

talk to strangers

imagine other cultures through their poetry and novels

listen to music you don't understand

dance to it

act locally

notice the workings of power and privilege in your culture

question consumption

know how your lettuce and coffee are grown: wake up and smell the exploitation

look for fair trade and union labels

help build economies from the bottom up

acquire few needs

learn a second (or third) language

visit people, places, and cultures - not tourist attractions

learn people's history

re-define progress

know physical and political geography

play games from other cultures

watch films with subtitles

know your heritage

honor everyone's holidays

look at the moon and imagine someone else, somewhere else, looking at it too

read the UN's Universal Declaration of Human Rights

understand the global economy in terms of people, land and water

know where your bank banks

never believe you have a right to anyone else's resources

refuse to wear corporate logos: defy corporate domination

question military/corporate connections

don't confuse money with wealth, or time with money

have a pen/email pal

honor indigenous cultures

judge governance by how well it meets all people's needs

be skeptical about what you read

eat adventurously

enjoy vegetables, beans and grains in your diet

choose curiosity over certainty

know where your water comes from and where your wastes go

pledge allegiance to the earth: question nationalism

think South, Central and North - there are many Americans

assume that many others share your dreams

know that no one is silent though many are not heard - work to change this"

today i'm celebrating living. i'm celebrating life outside of my own boundaries. today i'm celebrating that this world is far bigger than i could imagine and that the people on it are more intricate, creative and brilliant that i give them credit for. i'm celebrating the expansiveness of the human mind and how we've all been made with different dreams and ideas, opinions and stories. i'm thankful for a God who weaves us all together and who has called us to love and justice. and i'm celebrating that.

happy birthday to me. :)

authenticity

For a long time, I've clung to this belief that we are made to live authentic lives - that we're beautiful when we're real. And finally, I've found an author who can put to words my heart. Here's a little Brene Brown quote to start your day off right:

"Authenticity is a daily practice. Choosing authenticity means: cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit; nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we let go of who are supposed to be and embrace who we are. Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving - even when it's hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy and gratitude into our lives."

pretty kick ass huh?

May we each live today, in the freedom of who are are - not who we think we're supposed to be. May we be released from shame and fear and the ties that bind us to uncertainty and insecurity. Today, if your heart compels you, laugh a little too loud, dance in the grocery store, say something funny without over thinking it. Have the courage to tell your story with all of your heart. Be brave and imperfect. Just be you.